Quote of the Week – Week 21

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There’s a song that became a bit of an anthem for me during my latter years of university.

Over and over again, Audioslave repeat the words ‘To be yourself is all that you can do‘

I’ve been reminded of that again this week. Coming back from a course, I was so frustrated, trying to do this week’s assignments and navigating moodle which has my pet peeve of TWO sidebars on opposite sides of it’s page (I’d say sorry if your blog has left and right sidebars, but I’m really not sorry. It messes with my head and it is one of those silly trivial things that drives me round the twist. A bit like people who don’t indicate on roundabouts. Or when I catch people washing dishes in the ‘wrong’ order).

I’m one of the worst for comparing myself to other people. At university I used to get teased by the other women on my course that I had it easy because I could ‘write an essay in 2 days’. This actually wasn’t true. It was just that rather than dividing my time to spend one week on each topic, I’d spend three weeks reading and thinking about all four topics, write a sort of draft notes type thing with quotes and thoughts and then in the final week – I’d have processed my thoughts enough to pull out that essay using those notes. I began to panic that maybe I wasn’t disciplined or working hard enough. While everyone else was in turns or wielding knives when loved ones suggested a break from coursework, I was working a few shifts in clinics, rehearsing for a show and getting 7-8 hours sleep most nights. Never mind that my grades were good – this wasn’t how everyone else was working!

Shamefully it was only a couple of years ago, when we were looking at Myers-Briggs during the inter:act course that I realised that this way of working is common with my ‘personality type’. I know that some find Myers-Briggs constrictive, but for me this knowledge was like affirmation and quite liberating. It was almost like it gave permission to be myself.

And so with that little bit of wisdom, I’ve realised that it takes me a while to process my thoughts and I constantly have about 10 different thoughts percolating at the back of my mind. Possibly more.

And that’s ok.

That’s just how I work!

My analogies to explain things tend to come from examples from American TV shows or stories that I love. I’m a storyteller, and that’s how I work too.

Visually pleasing things to me are simple. I don’t like clutter and things to be squashed together. I don’t do well with lists, and so like to have icons as my view on a computer. I like things to be in order so I can find them easily.

One thing I’ve discovered working in my job, is that it usually happens that the person able to see a client on any given day just so happens to be exactly the right person to see that particular client. We all have different levels of knowledge about particular areas of work, different backgrounds, styles of counselling and working, different personality types. If we were all the same, a good chunk of our clients would lose out.

I’d be a terrible nurse. And that’s ok. I’ve got friends like Rebecca that are great nurses. We need them. But the world needs a Laura Anne type to do youth work and a bit counselling every now and again. Oh, and teach the Macarena to the next generation. I’d be a terrible accountant, but luckily my friend makes the most amazing spreadsheets. Thank God for them, because we need good accountants too. I can’t draw for toffee, but my friend Vicky can. She makes the world more colourful and inspires people with her artwork. I can’t knit, but my friend can created a stuffed owl in a few hours. Sometimes I’m feel like giving up when I fall down, but then I remember the Mini Kahuna and Elastaboy’s abilities to get straight back up and aim for their goal of  adventure when they go tumbling down.

Everyone has a part to play in this big crazy world, and if we try to be someone else – the world misses out on the part we’ve been designed to play!

So.

Listen to Audioslave.

And remember:

To be yourself is all that you can do.

 

This wasn’t how I planned next week to go…

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This photo sums up how me and the elmos are feeling at work today.

Every year, I organise a conference for all the pregnancy centre teams across Scotland. I love doing it but the fortnight leading up to it is stressFUL. This year, we have a team from our head office coming (usually only two of them come, this year four are visiting) and they are staying for 2 days longer than usual so we can visit some of the centres on Friday and Monday.

This year, it just so happens that the week leading up to the conference I’m helping with another Guide Unit on Wednesday (one adult leader left and another broke her ankle a few weeks ago) in addition to my usual unit which meets on Mondays. It’s the week of the monthly Common Good Edinburgh meal and one of the groups I visited have applied for funding so I may need to present their application. And my colleague is away on holiday next week. Plus it’s another week, and assignments for my online college course.

However, suffice to say this wasn’t how I had carefully planned my diary months ago (yes, I plan things term by term).

Apparently that wasn’t enough to be going on with next week so we added my mother going to visit best friend in tornado devastated city (though the silver lining is that I no longer have to hire a car for next weekend) and last night my paternal grandfather died. So I may have to squeeze in a trip to Inverness for a funeral into next week’s madness.

I do always say that God never gives us more than we can handle without His help, and of course I have a fabulous bunch of people who encourage me and understand that me going on random rants and being a little bit loopy is par for the course during crazy times such as these. Maybe a few dramatic tweets of despair.

Prayers appreciated, and hoping that anyone coming into contact with me over the next week or so will have lots of grace and patience with me.

Wednesday HodgePodge – Round 31

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Another week, another HodgePodge – to join in the fun, click on the Wednesday HodgePodge button to take you over to Joyce’s blog.
1. It’s National Bike Week…do you own a bicycle? When did you last ride a bike? 

I do own a bicycle, but last year during our building work a lot of things got put in the shed where it is kept and I wasn’t able to get at it. So last time I rode it was sometime in 2011, I really need to get it out, serviced and start using it again. I really love being able to cycle down to shops to get the odd thing or run ‘local’ errands, and would love to be able to cycle to and from Guiding meetings rather than taking the car so much.

2. What’s something you learned in school that wasn’t part of the curriculum?

That’s a really tough question. My schools had so much in the curriculum that was included amongst the normal Maths, English, PE, PSE, Science. Tolerance was taught, other faith beliefs were taught, treating people well, leadership, teamwork…

I guess one thing I learned is about war and refugees. My primary school took in a great many refugees from Bosnia during the Yugoslavian war in the 90s. I think this was mainly because an local aid organisation was run by a parent who was on the PTA at our school – because he was convoying aid to Bosnia, I’m guessing he advised and assisted families when they sought asylum in the UK. I didn’t understand for a while why some of these kids seemed to misbehave and I remember one girl who we were nervous of because she could react quite violently at times without warning. It is lovely now to see some of my friends who came as refugees now able to go back to their home country and show us the beauty of their homeland. I also learned a great deal about the Muslim faith from kids at my school. I remember a girl who was from a Bangladeshi family of asylum seekers pointing to the word ‘pig’ in a book we’d been assigned for reading and confiding to me in the playground that she didn’t know what to do when they asked her to read this story as that was a very bad word she wasn’t allowed to say at home. I remember my friend who was Scottish but his grandparents were Pakistani. He taught us about Eid and I got to learn how his mother had incorporated their faith with the Scottish culture they were surrounded by. That was really cool to see and his family were super lovely!

I’m so thankful to have gone to an ‘inner city’ school with diverse cultures.

3. What’s a food you’ve never tried, but want to try? What’s a food you’ve tried and will never try again?

Hmm. I don’t think there is anything that comes to mind. There are things I’d like to try making myself. Like butternut squash risotto or soups. Cooking with polenta or quinoa. Making halloumi burgers. I’ve never tried tofu, and intrigued to what it is like.

Food I’ve tried and will never try again: Melons (tried these several times, and I just cannot stand them. I wish I liked them but I simply don’t). Grapefruit.

4. Have you been more demanding on yourself lately or less? Why? Do you think that’s a good trend?

I don’t think I have been anymore demanding on myself than usual. Certainly I’m super busy just now and if life was like this all year round it wouldn’t be good, but this is ‘normal’ for this time of year. I’m pretty good at managing my time with putting my ‘sabbath days’ in at least once a week, and making sure I have at least one evening a week in the house doing…well….not much!

5. Who is your favorite book, movie, or TV show villain? 

I don’t like villains! I guess Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter, because I think he’s a more typical realistic villain and does have a little bit of good in him deep down. I like to think that there is something good in everyone.
6. How concerned are you about identity theft? 

Probably not concerned enough, but I am careful with certain things – like putting my full name (including middle names) and full date of birth online.

7. I saw this last question on Dawn’s blog a couple of week’s ago and asked if I could share. Everybody hop over and say hi, but first answer this…would you rather have an ordinary home in an extraordinary place or an extraordinary home in an ordinary place? 

I’m not sure how to answer this question. I’d rather just be where I’m meant to be. I live in an ordinary home in an ordinary place – though I do love the city of Edinburgh!

8.  Insert your own random thought here.

Yesterday I got to spend the day with my friend’s wee girl as it was a local school holiday and Tuesday is the day my friend uses to study for an online course she is doing. We had a lot of fun and so glad the weather stayed nice for us. Recently I’ve realised how much Miss Sweetroot and Mini Kahuna pick things up from me, with Mini K starting to say ‘Awesome!’ and ‘Ohh maan!’ in the singsong way I do whenever he hears me say it. It’s when that happens you realise that your actions and the things you say in front of them, how you respond to situations….all of it is being watched and learned – for good or for ill!

Oklahoma…

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…while I was writing my assignments tonight, I noticed my feed on twitter starting to pour out the same words all over again. Tornado and Oklahoma.

More astute LFS readers may know that Oklahoma is where my Mum’s best friend lives – my ‘Auntie’. She lives in the area where the tornados have been storming through, and though she had some scary moments yesterday as tornados came through her suburb, it is nothing compared to the one in the southern suburb of Moore today.

We are thankful to have heard from my Auntie tonight, we are thankful they have a tornado shelter to help with keeping them safe when tornadoes come through.

However, for a lot of people tonight – they have lost their homes, family members or have friend and family who have been crticially injured. There are all the rescue workers who are working hard, health professionals that may be lacking in sleep as they are called in for emergency needs.

Oklahoma, I am thinking of you. I’m praying for your safety. I’m praying for comfort in all that may have been lost in the last 48 hours. I wish that words could do more.

If you live in the USA, Red Cross are doing what they do best in these kinds of emergencies. I know they have an emergency appeal right now to help the folks affected by the tornadoes that have devastated the Oklahoma City suburbs today.

Thanks everyone. 

So long summer holiday…

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Sunset from the London Eye on my birthday last month…
…and yes that is the reflection of my camera on the capsule glass.

I was in Southern England this week. I’d had a stressful day on Monday, as a ton of forms came in from delegates for the conference I organise every year. I was super thankful that I was able to leave work a bit earlier so I could pick up my train tickets for the next morning and still have time to get to Guides without being too stressed. Realising that I would have to pack a suitcase when I got home.

Only to discover that the key for the church hall, which only comes out my bag to open and lock the church hall, was not in my bag. Cue frantic texting, phoning, turning my Mum’s car and our house upside down. No key. Me and the Guides stood outside when it of course began to rain while our Unit leader went down the list of keyholders to find no one in. Eventually someone at the other church hall gave us a key.

And if you wanted to make that 24 hours anymore stressful, there’s nothing worse than getting to your seat on the train – you know with the super-advance can only be used with that particular reservation ticket – to discover that the label on it says it’s reserved for passenger travelling from Newcastle. Confused, you look at your ticket and booking confirmation print out and realise that yes, you are the dumb person who has clicked for a ticket for Monday not Tuesday.

Somehow, I made it to my friend’s house in East London that evening, and very early on Wednesday morning we travelled to Hampshire for the first day of the college course I’m doing. The course has been created by a charity I have worked with as a volunteer for a few years now and accredited through the Open College Network. I didn’t realise though, what was going to be involved. I thought I was training to be a tutor. In fact, I’m doing the course I might one day be tutoring. They want to make the course available to other practitioners who support people trying to make decisions in the face of an unintended pregnancy – and soon. And so I’m now learning about moodle. I’m trying to wrap my head around the news that I’m going to be doing assignments every single week for the whole of this summer.

As I get older, I understand more of how I work and what makes me tick. I know that I’m an extravert and so I need to talk a lot of nonsense to process my thoughts, and unless I’m around people I don’t always get a lot of work done. I go a bit loopy if left in the office on my own (I hate being in the office on my own). It took me a whole year to realise that studying alone in my room doesn’t work – I need to be in a library surrounded by other people also studying with fixed social breaks to keep me going (my grades improved drastically as a result). I know that I need to have several projects on the go, because if there’s only one to focus on I don’t have enough stress to stop me procrastinating. Since having CFS, I’ve become a person that needs to plan in advance. Spontaneous stuff doesn’t always work for me, I like to know what’s going to happen, and when so I can plan ahead and prepare for a plan B just in case it doesn’t work out that way. I get lots done on Mondays because they are stressful, busy and I have that routine down now.

In my head, my summer was going to be pretty chilled out. School holidays. No Guides. A time to finally catch up with friends and take days off work to do some fun things. So the sudden discovery that 10 hours of each week is now going to be filled with this course was a shock to my system. I didn’t plan for that. HELP!

I know that I can do it, but I also know it’s going to take me a while to get my head around this new plan for the summer. A little bit of grieving time may be required, and perhaps it’s a good thing because in term time I might not be able to manage 10 hours a week (though granted, I’ve got very busy weeks ahead until the end of term, sooo um, nothing like being thrown in the deep end with no warning).

Come September, I’ll have another trip to London under my belt and I *hopefully* will have completed a A Level standard Open College Network course in Pregnancy Choices Practice. And passed. And then, perhaps it will be time to start my Adult Education tutoring qualification.

So if my blog goes quiet over the next few months, or you wonder why I’m writing non-sensical rubbish that no one really cares about…know that it’s probably because all my brain cells are getting a work out for the first time in many years!

Quote of the Week – Week 20

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We live in a materialistic society. It’s just a simple fact.

It’s not even that we can say it’s just in the ‘western world’. I’ve been to many places, and it seems to be everywhere in one form or another.

A few years ago, myself, my sister and younger brother went from being the children of a millionaire to well…not. For me, it wasn’t a tough transition. I didn’t have the benefits of my father’s wealth growing up. He didn’t rarely paid maintenance to my Mum which was part of their separation and divorce agreement. I was not privately educated. I didn’t have nice clothes. My Mum drove an old fiesta we called Fifi (RIP Fifi – we still miss you).

For my siblings it was hard. They went from being spoiled and privileged to living in an apartment with bed bugs. Having all their stuff put into storage. My sister suddenly had to learn the value of money. She’d never had to learn before. A lot of friends gossiped about her. Stopped hanging out with her. Needless to say, going from having everything to almost nothing (materialistically) gave her a very abrupt lesson on who her true friends were.

In the last few years, I’ve struggled financially. My friends however, have really stuck by me. Until a few months ago, I could speed round to their house or take their kid to a dance lesson or drive round to babysit. Now…I can’t do that unless I can borrow my Mamma Bear’s car. I really wish I still had a car so I had more freedom to visit and provide some kind of service to my friends. Whether it is giving someone a lift home at night, heading over to smallgroup early to help with bedtime while my friends cook a meal for our friends or driving someone to pick up a parcel from some obscurely located warehouse. I’m thankful that’s not the reason my friends are friends with me!

I have friends that still let me babysit their kids even though it might mean picking me up and taking me home afterwards. I have friends that organise to meet me somewhere I can easily get a bus to. I have friends that will pick me up from the nearest train station so I can spend some time with them. I have friends that will pick me up on the way to a guide meeting with my many bags full of registers, paper, pens, glass jars, blenders (or whatever the equipment it is we might be needing on that night).

If I ever have a limo, I’d love to have them riding in it with me. But if that never happens and it broke down…I’m pretty sure they’d come pick me up, or stick around with me to wait for the AA to arrive.

A true friend is someone who loves you for who you are…not for what you can do for them.

All the extras are bonus gifts rather than entitlements. :)

Wednesday HodgePodge – Round 30

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Today I’ll be in sunny (well, probably rainy) Hampshire for the first day of my tutor training. So, please do leave a comment, and I promise I’ll comment on your HodgePodge post when I’m back in Edinburgh on Thursday!!

**Update, thank you Rebecca for linking up for me, and oops sorry HodgePodgers – somehow the answers to the first 2 questions disappeared…that is now rectified!!**

1. May is National Blood Pressure Month…what sends yours soaring, either literally or figuratively? What calms you down? When did you last have your bp checked?

There are so many things that send my blood pressure soaring. Selfishness. People not taking the time to think of other people. Prejudice. But most of all….drivers who do not use their indicators on roundabouts. GRRRR.

What calms me down…watching one of my favourite American TV Dramas. How I Met Your Mother particularly calms me – I think it’s the happy carefree theme tune! I always bounce about and sing along to it!

I last got my blood pressure checked a year or two ago by my practice nurse, they’ve actually not bothered checking for a while which is probably not protocol! I’m on a drug called depo provera which gives you a risk of high blood pressure, but seen as how the last time they checked it was 89/60 (or similar) – bordering on hypotension – I don’t think they’re too concerned about me having high blood pressure!!

2. You just found $1-what do you spend it on? How about 10$ 100?

If it’s just $1 I’d probably stick it in a charity bucket that I felt supportive of. Similar with £10. If it’s £100 I’d probably be taking it to the nearest police station. That probably sounds really goody-goody – but it is honestly what I’ve done in the past (though it was £25 my friend and I found on the street – and because of some other things going on, we thought it might have been drug related).

3. Mandatory labeling of genetically engineered (GE) food has been proposed, but not enacted in the US. How much attention do you give food labels before you buy? Are you in favor of labeling if it means an increase in food prices? Is this an issue you’ve been following and feel strongly about, or is this the first you’ve heard of the controversy?

I’m very much in favour of labelling – I think we should all be told where our food has come from and how it has been grown. I try to stay well away from GM foods, and to be honest, would not be shocked if in years to come we find a link to GM and processed foods and learning disabilities. My friend Caroline has spoken about food a lot on her blog, since living in the UK and South Africa and now living back home in North Carolina, one of the posts she wrote when she returned to the USA which echoes my thoughts a lot is this one – The Price of (in)Convenience. One of the things I have found unpleasant and concerning on my visits across the pond is the size of the food (like how much hormones did they inject into those animals to get a slab of meat that big?), the processed nature of so many things. The amount of recipes which use packet mixes and concentrated tins of soup disturbs me greatly as a Health Scientist.

4. May 15th marks the birthdate of Frank Baum, author of The Wizard of Oz. At this point in time, are you more in need of brains, courage, heart, or a trip back home? Explain.

I think courage. I feel like I’m constantly battling a fear of failure or rejection.

5. “There’s no place like home” is an oft repeated line from Baum’s book. When was the last time you felt the truth of that statement?

Usually whenever I fly back into Edinburgh Airport. Those Scottish voices and SMILING airport staff who are friendly as they seriously check your passport and luggage before you get on an international flight. In other countries, the airport staff sometimes simply don’t bother to so much as check your ID if you’re flying out of their country but treat you like crap as you arrive in (yes Newark Airport, I’m looking at you). I’m thankful to live in a country with decent gun control and though we may be a country of moaners and complainers, there is an empathy for the fact that how we live affects people elsewhere.

6.  Steak…yes please or no thank you? What cut do you prefer and how do you like yours cooked? Sauce or no sauce? Besides your own kitchen, where’s a place you like to go to get a great steak?

No steak for me. I have an intolerance to red meat sadly. A lot of people mistake me for a vegetarian, but I’m not. Though it’s true that I’ve never managed to eat lamb or veal because pictures of cute fluffy lambs that I like to go ‘awww’ at when I see them in the countryside come into my head!

7. When was the last time you were in a genuine hurry?

I feel like I’m always in a hurry. Mondays are especially hurried – if I don’t leave work bang on time (or early) and get a bus straight away, it causes a huge problem. Usually I only have a 20 minute turn around from arriving home to when I have to leave to open up the church hall for Guides. In that 20 minutes I have to cook my tea, eat my tea, unpack my work bag to put whatever I need for Guides in its place and get changed into my leader uniform.

8.  Insert your own random thought here.

Last Friday I had to farewell my beloved car, Cassie. It was a sad moment, but I did have fun clearing out my car on Wednesday afternoon. I found so many random things – passes for the Christian conference festivals I used to go to almost every year in Somerset (about 400 miles away!), the magnetic red nose Cassie sported for Comic Relief in 2009 all the way down to my South Africa training in Watford (350 miles away), mixtapes – my friends all had their ‘favourites’ they’d request. Cassie was very beloved by friends and family too, shown by the fact that my youngest brother who hasn’t spoken to me in over a year suddenly appeared on my facebook when I posted that my car had been taken away. “What’s happened to Cassie?’ he messaged, followed by the comments that Friday was indeed, ‘a sad day for motoring’. He might not thank me for a birthday present or wish me a Merry Christmas or Happy birthday. But my lil bro loved my car! Ha ha!

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Cassie with her red nose somewhere between Edinburgh & Watford in March 2009

Clearing out Cassie

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…they took my car away for scrap this morning. A Fifer dude called me not long after 8 a.m. to say he was on his way.

Because I was working a late shift yesterday, I had to clear out my car on Wednesday afternoon. People who’ve been in my car will know that I’ve always got random crap in there from road trips, stuff people have left in it and I’m always dotting about here, there and everywhere trying to squeeze everything in! My car always looked like it had been hit by a hurricane!

I imagine I’ll be blogging about Cassie for a wee bit because my friend asked if I’d share some Cassie stories on my blog to mark her ‘passing’ (a true to testament to the outreach of Cassie is the fact that I know as much as my family and friends tease me for the way I refer to my car…a lot of them were fond of my wee corsa too!). But this video I took on my webcam when just before I began to clear out all the random stuff from her on Wednesday. I ended up sitting in the car for about an hour just marvelling over what to anyone else would seem like junk and rubbish, but to me symbolises lots of memories!

Quote of the Week – Week 19

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There are two reasons that I ended up choosing this quote for the week. Firstly, off the back of what I shared on my blog last week about what I left behind when I left Aberdeen I ended up sharing about some of the after-effects while chatting with my friend in the car. Secondly, an amusing misunderstanding when one of my friends messaged me in a panic after I posted this on facebook to thank my friends who’ve been collecting Active Kids vouchers for one of my Guide units…

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…she thought she had missed a major event in my life. Due to the fact the webcam takes a mirror image photo it looks like the ring I always wear on my right hand, is being worn on my wedding finger. It took me a while to realise why she was apologising that she’d missed my wedding. I’ve missed it too I thought. And then as I scrolled my facebook page to try and understand where this information could have come from, I suddenly realised…!

A conversation into the night revolved around singleness and dating after we had clarified that I hadn’t gotten married, or engaged. I’m almost proud to say that I’ve been single now for 6 years. There have at times been flickers of potential boyfriends, but it’s not something I actively pursue! Or ever have done really. I’m content now being single – and that was a journey for a wee bit, as an extravert loneliness is a huge big deal. But I realise that being single and being alone doesn’t have to be the same thing.

There’s another element too. I’ve learned what love is really all about in these last few years – and trust me, in my job you really get reminded how important it is to make wise choices when it comes to love.

Someone who loves me is going to care about me.

Someone who loves me is going to be for me, rather than against me.

Someone who loves me is going to respect my boundaries.

Someone who loves me is going to understand that my faith in God is the most important thing in my life and not try to change that.

Someone who loves me is going to accept that I am who I am, and encourage me to be the best version of myself.

All the other stuff – looks, hobbies, football teams, music, films, tv shows, where we come from, how much we earn or what kind of jobs we have – all that is not invalid, but really isn’t the big stuff and shouldn’t really matter even half as much as the stuff in the list above.

Lauryn Hill, you may have been prisoned for not paying tax this last week, but the words of your song still remain true.

Love is respect and devotion, greater than planets, deeper than oceans…