Monthly Archives: January 2009

Pain is there for a reason

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There is an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where a wee girl (played by Abigail Breslin) suffers from CIPA – basically she can’t feel pain. She thinks that she has super powers, and consequently kids beat her up with a baseball bat among other things to try and prove to her that she is wrong.

The result? She ends up with horrendous injuries and internal bleeding without realising it. 

While doing the surgery, Dr Bailey (my fave character btw) trying to repair the damage says:

“She should be on a poster, to remind people that pain is there for a reason“

I got reminded of that today.

I woke up unable to open my mouth properly because of swelling around my jaw and in my mouth.

Why? Because I’ve got an infection underneath what is left of one of my teeth.

When I went to see the dentist (who is the first dentist I’ve had in 6 years because there aren’t enough dentists in Aberdeen), she was like – how did you leave this so long? It must really hurt! (it didn’t although the swelling isn’t particularly comfortable). I’m also due like a million fillings still (I kept catching colds when I had appointments last year, then I’d forget to get another appointment). But I just don’t feel the pain, so I’m lulled into a false sense of security. She took one of my teeth out last year (it was causing me some pain – and I decided I preferred tooth extraction to root canal!) and afterward she was all ‘this will hurt, you’ll need to take painkillers’. I kept waiting for the pain to come, but it didn’t. I didn’t take any painkillers in the end.

I’ve kinda realised that because I seem to be regularly in pain with other health stuff, something a lil bit of toothache fades into insignificance. 

It’s not good. Because pain is there for a reason.

I know this. It’s why I try to avoid taking painkillers when my RSI flares up – the pain tells me ‘your arm doesn’t have strength for that’. 

Emotional pain is there for a reason too. It reminds us we’re not invincible. Our ability to feel, to care, to have empathy…it’s what makes us human.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t ‘feel’ things so intensely. With the work I do and have done, it’s an occupational hazard. When it comes to emotions I’m an open book, I really struggle to hide them because I feel emotions with pretty much all I am.

But most of the time, I’m glad that I can feel, even when it’s tough, even when it means I’m feeling pain – either for me, or someone else. It keeps me from being apathetic and keeps me passionate.

Australia Day

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A moment I can’t explain while cycling alone around Cape Byron…

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And would I have wanted to go to Australia so bad if it hadn’t been for ‘Home and Away‘ – that show provided many character role models when I was a kid. I mean Alf, Pippa, Michael, Angel, Sally… Anyway, I was upset to hear Sally and Cassie left last year. But this ‘tribute’ makes me giggle.

Australia, I love you! Thank you for being so open and welcoming to all us backpacking tourists. Happy Australia Day!

Spirituality in Australia

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HT: Australia Day Synchroblog

A few days after turning 23, I flew out to meet friends in Sydney and spent a month travelling in Australia. It was an incredible time which I reflected on in a recent Sunday Scribbling. 

Somehow everywhere I went in Australia, I seemed to attract people trying to get me to join cults or convert me to different faiths and religions. It wasn’t even the same one. It was unbelievable, and in a few cases quite scary. Like I’m not un-used to this – I’ve had missionaries from the morman chuch in my living room, had people telling me that I look depressed and if I say ‘Gouranga’ and become a vegetarian my life will be better. That’s all well and good. I don’t mind someone sharing their beliefs in a way that I can take it or leave it. But reading the leaflets I was handed I was privately very disturbed by their content and worried for the vulnerable people that could be taken advantage of.

But what was the biggest eye opener for me was when I visited Byron Bay.

Byron Bay seemed like a centrepoint for testing and searching. On every corner there were places for tarot reading, palmistry, tea leaf reading. Medical centres offered reiki, ayurveda, acupuncture, yoga, homeopathy as everyday therapies – no complementary about them. It was advertised alongside antibiotics and painkillers. In the youth hostels people came in chatting and debating about the spiritual experience or the knowledge of future they wanted to seek and how. 

There didn’t seem to be a Christian in sight.

I wondered where they were in all of this.

Back in the days of me hating talk of God, Christians and especially hating church. I was always very spiritually attuned. I went to mind, body, spirit fairs with my mother, me and my best friend used to read our friend’s palms, we did tarot cards and I had various crystals for healing purposes, I did yoga. I had dreams & premoninitions even back then. Sure, there are people who do a lot of pretending, but some of that stuff is totally real. And shouldn’t be messed with as I discovered later in my teenage years.

But my vivid memory was visiting a shop near the hostel. I went in to get a boomerang for my younger brother (a birthday request) and a set of poi for me.

I had barely said hello to the shopkeeper, before he turned to me and said - 

“I can tell you’re a very spiritual person.“

Panic alarm bells started ringing in my head…where was this going to go?

“um…ok….?” (small quivering smile)

I try to get the conversation to poi. But I was stopped in my tracks when he said:

“You know how I can tell? I can see it in your eyes. You have God in you. I could tell from the moment you walked into my shop.”

Well, knock me down with a feather! I was stunned.

“Well, I guess I do have God in me” I said, “I’m a Christian, and because of that the Holy Spirit lives in me“.

The guy was a Hare Krishna. He told me all about  his beliefs, and gave me his testimony of how his life and worldview had been shaken by a tragic event in his life, which had led him on a search for truth, meaning and purpose. 

I shared some of my own testimony, my faith and beliefs. He ignored phone calls and other customers as he listened to me, and I listened to him. I probably ended up being in the shop for about an hour.

I came away from that conversation changed. Suddenly bible verses had true meaning – they weren’t just nice encouraging thoughts  but had real life application and truth. Ones that have always jumped out and stuck with me like:

“But you belong to God, my dear children…the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.” 1 John 4:4

“Live pure lives so that you may shine like stars in a dark and crooked world” Philippians 2:14-15 (the BK’s paraphrase!)

With all the spiritual healing being offered in that place, I wondered where the Christians were. With all the search for meaning and truth, I wondered where the Christians were.

And I wondered, when I go back home, am I going to be in the world? Or am I going to hide away in a church bubble and cause someone else to visit Scotland and wonder where all the Christians are?

It’s a challenge. Not just for those in Australia, but for all of us who live in the world believing we are citizens of heaven. How much do we openly live out and share our faith without hypocrisy?

Flower of Scotland Friday: Rabbie Burns

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So this Sunday is the 250th anniversary of one of our most famous Scotspeople. 

No, not Sean Connery.

Robert Burns.

25th January every year, is ‘Burns Night’ in Scotland. When people get their best Scottish accent on to recite some poetry, deck themselves in whatever tartan they can find and eat haggis, neeps (turnips) and tatties (potatoes).

This year, because it’s the 250th anniversary of Mr Rabbie Burns, there are loads of events across the country throughout the year. Scottish celebrities are digging out their thermals and returning to their homeland.

And, you can tell we’re in a recession because this advert is seriously awful and cheesy. Cringe!!

You can find out more about the Homecoming Scotland events here.

And really, I think Tennants have got a better idea of the Caledonian mindset. (Though can I recommend if you are ever in Scotland not to drink the stuff, because it tastes like…well…hmmm…how can I put this in a non-offensive manner…used toilet water?). See their advert using the same song here!

The chocolate muffin disaster of 2009

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Today I went to Starbucks. I actually I visited 3 coffeeshops today.

But disheartened that my search for a pair of boots to replace my beloved most comfy DM winter boots which are squeaking and leaking had not ended (I found a pair in Fat Face – and of course they didn’t have my size left anywhere…sob!) before leaving one of my favourite chill-out places, I decided to get a Starbucks to stop and think.

I bought a chocolate orange muffin. I wasn’t impressed, but not wanting to be wasteful I wrapped it in a napkin and put it in my bag when I left thinking I’d save it for a desperate hungry moment later.

I got caught in a blogging conversation while eating a very late lunch, and suddenly realised I was going to be late for my mentoring session with ‘Timothy’. I rushed downstairs flung my wee bible and the study booklet we’re working through into my bag, found a couple of pound coins and took the car into town.

Scott Mills radio 1 show was on. I really cannot stand that radio show. At my first opportunity (a.k.a. red traffic light) while keeping my eyes on the lights I reached into my  bag searching for my iPod to plug in. 

It felt a bit weird in my bag.

I pulled out my iPod with a shower of brown crumbs and chocolate chips. My fingernails were caked (literally) with chocolate chip muffin.

I suddenly remembered the chocolate muffin – of course I’d flung my book and bible into the muffin forgetting its precarious presence in my bag.

I was picking out cake for beneath my finger nails at every single red light. Gross.

When I finally parked my car, I looked inside my bag, and my diary, my notebook – everything really – was covered in chocolate muffin. 

My car is covered in chocolate muffin crumbs – when I took it out, the muffin just disintegrated everywhere.

The bottom of my handbag is filled with mushed up muffin crumbs too.

If only Starbucks had made a tastier muffin. I would have eaten it all with my yummy caramel hot chocolate, and it never would have been in my bag in the first place.

Of course, I could have just remembered it was there and disaster could have been averted.

Posts worth a wee look-see

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Well there’s been lots of Obamarama…My friend Steve talks of the pedestal Obama seems to have been put on and his reflections on it, and Erika is getting 2 mentions on this post, but I think she has a great perspective that should be read and listened to on the election of Pres. Obama too.

The power of Twitter not only in spreading news before the news does, but fundraising for a much needed van. What I find funny in an ironic sort of way is the goals of the first Twitter user in question he posted on his blog a few days before he took that now famous pic on his phone. hee hee. Made me smile.

Marla talks about what home means.

This post from Erika really made me  stop and think, as this is something I’ve been struggling with since I moved back to Edinburgh – trying to live more simply. As did this very poignant and graphic post that was written by Kristiapplesauce in South Africa (NB – not for the squeamish).

So true (HT: to Lincoln for pointing me towards that particular blog)

And of course, this is a BrunetteKoala blog. We have to have some pregnancy crisis links. A good point made by ASBOJesus, that a lot of people (of all faiths) could do with heeding before they make they take off on the gossip and judgement trail; and a very courageous woman shares her story on Pete’s blog.

And a request, it’s GREAT to hear what’s going on in other places, but more and more some of us have been thinking, why don’t we hear about what is going on in Scotland? What exciting stories do you have to share? What are doing with your life? What action are you taking to bring hope and change in your community?

You don’t have to be a blogger, but we’d love to hear from you. Please get in contact with Duncan or you can e-mail me: Brunettekoala@hotmail.com.lalala (take off the ‘.lalala’ bit – that’s just to stop the spammers!!)

Travelling Tuesday: BK’s IRL Tour

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When I say IRL I don’t mean ‘Ireland’ but ‘In Real Life’

I was having a catch up over dinner with a friend last night, and she mentioned how she’d like to do some travelling in the USA. I was like, yeah me too! 

There are so many things I want to see and experience there though. And more recently, I’ve been wishing I could encounter the people whose lives I read about on the blogosphere in real life. To have a face-to-face conversation. To see the environment I read about – I wonder if it’s how I picture it from what you guys write.

So getting out my old ‘Children’s Atlas’ (I don’t have a proper one – what kind of geographer was I?!) I started working out where I’d need to go…

I’d drive to North Wales where I could hang out with the Gill family and i61 church.

Second stop would be over to Ireland – Dublin to be precise to meet Alastair and catch up with my old uni friend, Emmet and meet the rest of the STIG for CF Ireland crew. I wonder if Connor and his fiancee could meet us there…

Then I’d travel to London, where I think I could meet Paul, Jason and their families. Extra cool points if they have another film themed fancy dress party. While in Englandshire, I’d try to meet ASBOJon and his wife, ASBOClare. Oh, Ben and Lucy too!

From London I could fly to New York City to catch up with my Aberdeen friend, Becky, I’d hope to see a few old uni friends all you crazy Americans who came to spend a year in Aberdeen (madness). But I’d be travelling through Virginia to North Carolina where I’d like to go along to Nags Head Church, and if I could schedule it so I’m there for Trunk or Treat that would be fabulous! Oh, and a stop off in Wilmington (where Dawson’s Creek and One Tree Hill are filmed) would be required.

From there, I’d go to West to Nashville, Tennessee, where Brandi and I would have a speed talking conversations ‘Southern vs. Scottish’, and I’d head to Cross Point where Brandi’s husband, Pete would be preaching. Maybe I’d get to meet the 2 Matthews whose blogs I read too.

From Tennesse I’d start heading more South, to Alabama to hang out with the Chia family, where Sarah and I would no doubt chat about pregnancy counselling, being not-so-girly women of God and I’d find out who this Dave Ramsey is they keep mentioning.  

Then, I’d get to go down Florida to meet the honorary member of our smallgroup, Marla. I would, with her assistance of course, compare Starbucks in Florida with Starbucks in Scotland. We would of course put the world to rights.

Then I’d fly up to Canada to catch up on some reading at The Dusty Cover and meet Jamie, Kim and the Little Flowers Community in Winnipeg. And then visit some friends studying/working in Vancouver.

If I could, I’d go to Australia to catch up on some surfing, my family and of course any blog friends I’ve made who live there. (Can anyone introduce me to some cool Aussie bloggers?)

Then I’d head to Japan to meet Kamsin. She’d teach me some Japanese and show me how to take better pictures.

Then it would be homeward bound. Give me a day or two to recover from jet lag and I’d have to have an Edinburgh bloggers’ gathering. I mean there is one every Tuesday with my friends in ‘real life’ with TSTIAI, BOTJ, Duncan & Gavin. And I know Steve and Matthew too. But there are a few Edinburgh-based bloggers – Harrison, Lincoln, Keepfishing & Ulsterscot84 I’ve either not met or I’ve never really spoken to ‘in real life’ which is pretty shocking when some of them are part of the same church as me. 

So there we have it…the bloggers In Real Life tour…!

That’s a lot of travelling.

Pilgrimage

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HT: Sunday Scribblings

So I looked up pilgrimage and my iBook widget dictionary thing (technical term!) describes it as:

“a journey to a place associated with something or someone well known or respected”

One of my favourite books growing up (after my all-time favourite book, Tully) was The Horse Whisperer. In the book, Annie takes her daugher, and her horse, Pilgrim on something of a pilgrimage across the USA from New York to Montana in the hope that the journey and Tom Booker will help her heal the horse, her daughter and the various broken relationships, lost dreams and so on.

I wonder how many other pilgrimages are started after a person’s world seems to crumble around them, their worst fears perhaps realised?

I made my own pilgrimage almost 2 years ago. 

My world had crumbled a great deal because I’d been fighting to self-sufficiently ensure all my dreams came true, apparently blind to the fact that really I was not seeking my dreams at all – I’d actually given up on them without even realising I’d given up on them.

I almost tried to fix it by well, doing what ‘I’ thought was best (basically just doing the exact same thing that had got me into the mess in the first place) but thankfully was halted by an opportunity to meet up with my friends in foreign climes. I had a choice – New Zealand, Australia, Singapore, Thailand or Hong Kong. 

I chose Australia. I felt I needed somehow to go back to my roots. I’d always wanted to go, and my ‘Dad family’ had long ago christened me ‘Koala‘. It seemed appropriate that I should go to where koalas come from.

My pilgrimage to rediscover who I was, what I was capable of, what gifts and strengths God could give me, how He could help me with so many of my fears did literally take me to the other side of the world.

I so vividly remember how sickeningly nervous I was walking through the corridors at Heathrow, how incredibly long and frustrating my sleepless and turbulent filled flight from London to Sydney was, how glad I was to see my friends but how difficult it was to communicate how I was feeling and why because my Aberdeen life had been so separate from my Edinburgh one. I had lost track of all the secrets I’d kept from so many of them. My morning chats with God walking through Sydney, cycling through Cape Byron. The day I separated from my friends, walked into my empty youth hostel dorm and dissolved into tears thinking I’d made a huge mistake, only to take a courageous step (for me) to eat in a café alone and for God to provide all my needs that day, not to mention getting to hug a koala. :) The power of text messaging when I stood in an airport toilet cubicle having discovered a mole on my stomach had grown bigger, darker and was bleeding and scabbing. The peace and calm that came when I got stuck in Cairns with no passport, no credit card and no access to my insurance documents. The joy of meeting my Scottish-Aussie relatives and discovering that they too, believed and followed the same God as I. 

I think pilgrimage is important. It’s an intense and kinesthetic learning experience of discovery which involves all your senses. 

It’ll never be the same – even if you go to the same place, the experience will be vary each time, and the pilgrimage different depending on the person.

But if you haven’t had a pilgrimage, go on one. Do one. Experience one. 

At least once in your life.

A special request for my Canadian friends

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Some blog friends of mine could really use your help. They have an amazing community ministry in Winnipeg, Canada that is part of YWAM and last year (?) our smallgroup were a little bit envious when we read all about the community coffee/book shop they got started. 

Their van – which they need for transporting volunteers, themselves, books and so on – has a terminal case of mechanical faults. Which means they need a new van. 

Since I was one of the people who said to Jamie he should fundraise, well, I would like to help in any way I can bearing in mind I live 1000s of miles away from freezing cold Winnipeg. Perhaps you can help too. If you can, that would be amazing!!

Can you help their fundraising drive to replace their retired van?

See Jamie’s post about it here.

Thanks everyone!

Remembering Sophie

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Today is a weird kind of anniversary, because it marks 7 years since the day I was due to give birth to my first child.

A couple of months ago, Lynn challenged me to write about 10 things I love beginning with ‘D’ back when I was writing on a different blog. One of the things I opened up to the blogosphere was how I’ve always had this gut feeling that I had been pregnant with a girl. Since I had my baby names picked out since I was about 14 or 15, I’ve kind of known for over a decade that if I ever had a girl she would be called Sophie.

Now if you’re really clever you might realise why this blog was given its name!

You see, there is a key catchphrase known in the world of post-abortion counselling:

“We cannot change the past, we do not know the future, but we can change the way we think about the past which will affect how we think about the future“

It’s simple, but true.

I can’t take back the past, and I can’t control my future. So I chose to take what I could from the past…you see you can always learn from it.

So I don’t want to dwell too much on what might have been. But I will admit even now, there are still those occasional moments where grief, loss and regret feel slightly suffocating, but they no longer have a hold over me like they used to. You might think because I’ve written this post that I’m going to spend the day crying, but it’s highly unlikely because I never have done on this particular ‘date’. This time last year I was in a classroom leading a workshop on dealing with unplanned pregnancy, and if memory serves me correctly, afterwards I was sitting in my car praying to God and having a giggle about the irony of it all.

But in all seriousness, if I hadn’t dealt with my emotions and hurt all those years ago, and didn’t know how to deal with them on those rare occasions when they sometimes sneak back up on me unexpectedly I wouldn’t be able to do the work I do. I wouldn’t be able to be in church or around most of my friends either (do you realise how many people I know get pregnant/become parents every year now? Because I’ve lost count.)

If things had been different there would be no danger that certain family-friends traditions would have been continued. Like learning how to do the Macarena or the Time Warp for example…

On second thoughts, watching that clip with ‘adult’ eyes, that’s probably really inappropriate for a seven year old. But then, that’s what I think now about the Brady Bunch.

And don’t worry, I picked out a few other girls and boys names if I ever get pregnant again (my fourteen year old self listed them at the back of my journal). I even checked when ‘Elastababy’ was born that they didn’t clash with my friends’ baby name choices.

Hmm….back to the dancing thing….it’s got me thinking…

I wonder if Jesus would have joined in doing the Time Warp at a party?

I can’t help but wonder what the Pharisees would have said if he did.