Monthly Archives: March 2010

British Summertime begins

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At the weekend I got a gift – some backpay from work. So as I head into birthday weekend (where 3 of my friends plus me turn 26) I thought maybe I’d replace some of my clothes, and I popped into H&M and saw a summer dress which I bought for £10 (well, £9.99). I thought: “perfect! I’ll buy that to wear to Kate’s birthday night out on Saturday!”

Because our birthday weekend is always the first day I wear ‘summer’ clothes. I tried it on today…


Yes folks, that’s my nice new floaty summer dress. And my festival wellies. And some snow.

Do you not think Mother Nature, is just soooo hilarious?!

Last night there was much texting and tweeting from Edinburgh tweeples, and when I told Ruth about my purchase I’d made on Day 2 of British Summertime, as now we were on Day 4 of ‘British Summertime’, and we had both got to our homes having battled 30mph winds, rain and sleet.

And now this is what people in Edinburgh could see out their windows…

Yes, my friends in the southern hemisphere are having to get the ‘winter’ pyjamas out now that it’s ‘cooling’ off as Autumn begins heading into winter. I have NO sympathy if this is what ‘heading into summer’ looks like for us.

At least I’d bought a cardigan (£10) and some leggings (£6) in the sale at H&M and I still have my fluffy earmuffs. Even if the combo of leggings, summer dress, knitwear, ear muffs & wellies is a little bit strange…and not all that warm…

My pale ‘cantrememberthelasttimeitsawsunshine’ Scottish skin just sets off this interesting outfit so nicely too.

:(

What will we do with our second chance?

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“Heal my heart and make it clean.

Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

Show me how to love like you have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours,

Everything I am for your Kingdom’s cause,

As I walk from earth into eternity…”

from Hosanna – Brooke Fraser

“It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure on the world.”

-John Steinbeck

On Sunday I spent the afternoon in a bit of daze really. It was raining (the clocks went forward on Saturday night, so I’m glad we’re starting the ‘British summer’ the way it probably will go on…). I watched an episode of Underbelly. I text to see if anyone was going to church. Ruth said she was, we agreed to meet each other there. Saves us the embarrassment of looking like friendless losers if we stick together! ;) (NB – Ruth totally rocks & is not a friendless loser, I just thought I should clarify. But going to a big church and sitting on your own is just ever so slightly depressing)

It was tough to sing the songs…so much about God giving life, and to be honest it was just making me think of Eva. It was making me think of another blog friend who had tweeted to ask me to pray for her friend who because of pre-eclampsia had just given birth at 28 weeks gestation and her baby girl was now fighting for life in the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit.

And my heart was breaking.

I can’t take any more people I’m praying for dying God…

And then it was open mic. I started feeling sick and shaking. A sure fire sign that I needed to say something. So I did. I shared about the wonderful people I’d met through this crazy blogging journey.

What I didn’t realise, was that they would then ask people to gather round the people that shared and pray for them. How could I have been so dumb to have forgotten that they do this?!

And so people did before I managed to escape to pray for somebody else (rats!)

Well, that was it. I lost it. One of our pastors was praying, and I just lost it. There were tears, snot….yeah, a great night to have put on mascara. Fantastic. I turned to someone who I knew they would know why I was crying, and all I got out was, “all I can think of is Eva”

And it’s true. It’s a weird place to be grieving and feeling this strong sense of loss for someone that I’ve not actually ever met in person. And you know, she is not the first person I’ve prayed for connected with social networking that has died. There was Gavin in November, and Jess in January.

I guess though that Eva shared so much of herself with us, that you couldn’t help but read her poems, see her photos, videos and not know her heart. And I knew that she, like me was to have her 26th birthday this week, which perhaps has made this death closer to home somehow.

We were born days apart….the whole of Canada and the Atlantic Ocean between us.

She accomplished more in (almost) 26 years than most people do in a much longer lifetime.

I was walking through the rain and wind today, and I couldn’t help but think of her family and friends. And Eva’s never ceasing campaigning, her creativity in raising awareness for Cystic Fibrosis and Organ Donation.

I couldn’t help but pray “You know God, I know one day I’m going to die, somewhere, somehow….but please let it be in a way that my death brings others life?”

Morbid thoughts, I know. But it’s true. And now I feel spurred on more than ever to life as fully as possible. And somehow, do my bit to continue the legacy that Eva (& many others) have left us.

And since this is ‘Holy Week’ – isn’t that something Jesus was all about? Isn’t that what we celebrate at Easter….His death so we might have life?

We saw what Eva did with her second chance.

What are we going to do with ours?

Eva Markvoort – an inspiration

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I just flicked on my blog reader to discover an update on Eva’s blog. This time not written by Eva, but by (I assume) a member of her family.

Eva died this morning at 9.30 a.m. (PST)

Eva, you were and still are an inspiration. The bravest woman I’ve ‘met’ online. I hope that somehow people in the UK will see your documentary. This is a film that needs to be seen.

I’m already signed on the NHS Organ Donor Register. My Mum knows of my wishes.

In honour of Eva, would you please leave a comment if you are on your country’s organ donor register, showing that her fight to do all she can to raise awareness has not been in vain. If you haven’t already, would you consider it?

And feel free to leave some words of love to Eva’s family and friends on Eva’s blog.

Thank you Eva, for living your life so generously, for not giving up, for being an inspiration to all of us. You’ve shown us all what it is to love, and to be loved in return.

Breathe easy, and skip, dance & rest in peace.

Little streams of hope…

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Yesterday totally sucked. It wasn’t that anything major happened, just lots of little irritating things happened. And with each additional irritating thing I dealt with it more melodramatically than the last.

Today Edinburgh and Midlothian may have disappeared into a giant raincloud, but my heart is full.

I met with two amazing women from a church in East Lothian. I LOVE what this church is doing. I have a number of friends who go there, and I just love their creativity, their faith, their community.

From there, I went over to see Carrie. Elastatoddler is growing up so fast! He’s started Rugby Tots (yes, rugby for toddlers!!) and can count to 10, plus recognise bigger numbers too. He can now say my name, speak in proper sentences…and he’s not even 2 yet! Yes, I’m a proud fairy godmother. Baby brother is growing fast too – at 7 weeks old, he is the same weight Elastatoddler was at 12 weeks old. Eek!

Then it was a quick stop at home for some soup before heading to babysit for my fave 5 yo – Miss Sweetroot! We made pizza (ok, so we put toppings on a margherita pizza) and then shared pizza and salad while listening to her playlist on her Dad’s iPod speakers. Nothing quite like eating pizza while going from ‘Bat Cat’ (Charlie & Lola) to ‘Worthy, you are worthy’ (Matt Redman). Then we put together some Mr Potato Heads. Then her Mummy & Daddy came home.

And then I came home. I didn’t realise I had a window with Facebook open. I hear that noise that tells me someone is trying to ‘chat’ with me. Who is it?

My youngest brother typing ‘KOALA!!! TALK TO ME!!!’

This is the first contact I’ve had with him since Christmas Day 2008 when I briefly spoke with him over the phone. I love that the first question he asked me was ‘How’s Cassie??‘ (like I’ve said before…all my family refer to my car as if it’s a member of our family)

I love to see my friend’s children growing up, and wonder what they’ll be like as they get older. I hope to be a good influence in their lives.

I have new hope again that I’ll see my brother again in person. Man, I miss him so much, he’s no longer a wee boy…he’s on the verge of manhood, and will be 15 next month. Scary biscuits. And hopefully I’ll get to see my lil sis next month when I’m in London.

I have hope to reconnect with old friends during my trips to England over this year. Plus meet some of my online friends…I hope we all like each other in person!

And I’m rebuilding my inspiration wall. Last week when looking for my old journals (to help jog my memory while writing some of my Journey into PCC work posts) I discovered a laundry basket full of old notes, pictures, cards. Many of the photos I had stuck on my walls have gone missing, but I hope to find them too.

My wall of quotes, bible verses, song lyrics, drawings, cards & photographs remind me not to lose the hope, and replace any hope that has been lost with something called faith.

Worthy Cause Cupcakes

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So… there have been a few complaints about my latest fundraising intiative to incorporate a new found love (making cupcakes) with a love that was already there (supporting local pregnancy crisis centres).

The main nagging is that people who don’t live in Edinburgh can’t experience the cupcake action…

Well, I decided for any non-Edinburgh residents…I am willing to give you a copy of the three recipes (you can decide whether you can/want to give a donation to a local edinburgh pcc  or not!)

So leave a comment, and I will e-mail a copy of the recipes to you!

Faith, hope, love & tattoos

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I was twittering away to Keepfishing about tattoos earlier today. He confessed to the blog world he wanted to get one almost 2 years ago.

I’ve been debating the tattoo thing for a while now – probably not long after I came back from Australia. I probably would have gotten one back then if it hadn’t been that another scar was in the pipeline when I had a wee bit of a skin cancer scare & had to get a mole on my stomach removed.

I kinda like scars. Scars tell a story. Scars can remind us of things which are important.

I now know what I want my tattoo to be about – South Africa – there was an important word God shared with me 1 year ago as I lay on a floor in Watford…I didn’t find out until my second day in South Africa if it was a real word, but it turned out to be a very significant word in the language of Zulu.

And I want to be reminded of that forever.

My only question now is the design and where to get the tattoo.

For sure I want it small (if only for the fact that’s less time with needles, thank you) and somewhere you can see it, but also cover it up if I want to.

Someone did say to me ‘You know if you get a tattoo, it’ll be there forever‘

And I replied ‘Yes, that’s the point‘

So…any decent artists/designers out there, or people got suggestions of where to get it done?

Going on a road trip!

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One of the love/hate things I have with my latest ‘role’ in pregnancy crisis work is that I have to travel ‘down South’ a few times a year.

I got my first tastes of this last year – first going to Momentum Conference, and in November going to the first ‘Partners Meeting’ in Basingstoke where I did a commute with all the business folks to London (got to collect air miles on my very-grown-up-BA-Executive-Club-membership). Neither journey was without a little drama caused by my lack of awakeness.

So I figure, if I’m going to do this…why not make the most of these trips? It uses up a little bit of overtime hours & annual leave which I’m always struggling to use up in a constructive way.

On Tuesday April 27th I’ll be in LONDON baby…before I go to Basingstoke on the Wednesday morning. Already I hope to see Miss Giraffe (my sister) & meet Rebecca for the first time ‘in real life’!

And from Sat 3rd July-Monday 12th July, I will be road trippin’ it down to Hertfordshire (where I’ll be at an away day on Wednesday 7th).

I hope to visit some other pregnancy crisis centres if I can on my journey, but also would LOVE to catch up with some faraway living ‘in real life’ friends, not to mention meet some fellow Tweeters & Bloggers!

My plan is to come down the East coast of England on the Saturday-Tuesday, and work my way across to Wales & come back up the West Coast on the Thursday-Monday.

Already I’ve had requests to stop over in Cardiff, Norfolk & Conwy!

Of course as always my 2 road tripping friends will be joining me: the Radio 1 DJs (will aim not to be driving from 4 p.m.-7 p.m. on weekdays where possible…) & Mr Squashy Happy Face Red Nose.

Oh, and of course, my chariot as always will be Cassie… (not for going to London though…that I’ll be a plane/train job)

So if you’d like a visit or to meet for a coffee/drink/show me the stuff you’ve been blogging about…please leave a comment so I can get in touch with you! :)

It’s like LFS Introducing… but in person. And that’s waaaay cooler than online.

How do you deal with it?

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Tonight, a lovely lady asked me a question that I have been asked a time or 2 now…

How do you deal with it?

‘it’ being my own story of pregnancy crisis & abortion when I see people affected by these issues day in and day out…

Does it ever really ‘affect’ me?

It’s a tough question to answer. I’ve said before there are days when I’ve gone home from work in tears/wanting to cry because of the stories I’ve heard and are seeing before my very eyes.

But I realised that was a good thing…if some things didn’t make me cry, I’d have to question how hard my heart had become.

The thing is, there have been a few clients whose stories scarily reflected mine.

But they are not me.

The clients who come in, they know nothing of my own past. My job is to listen and to be there for them.

Because it’s not about me.

My own story for sure has helped me understand and empathise, and make me much less judgmental.

Though I wish I made a different decision, I can’t change the past, and thanks be to the grace of God, it has been turned into a strength rather than a weakness. And I have a great supervisor who helps me stay in check so things in counselling department don’t overwhelm me and I have enough self-awareness to prevent me from putting my issues on any of the clients I see in the counselling room or counsel/advise over the telephone.

I’d already spent about 1-2 years really grappling whether my experience of pregnancy crisis & abortion would mean I couldn’t work in a pregnancy crisis centre. So I knew entering into it that I had dealt with that part of my past, my wounds had healed. The folks in Aberdeen made sure of that before I even started training in pregnancy crisis counselling.

That being said, though my wounds are healed, grief is a process. So that’s why I have my occasional days where it hits me again. The difference is between those moments and the months/years just after it all happened, is that I know how to deal with it. And I know it’s ok to be sad or upset sometimes. That’s just part of the process.

I hope that answers the question…

Thank you as well to the people who have been asking questions. I appreciate that though sometimes I do find it tough to answer. But I’d much rather people asked that stayed wondering or made assumptions. :)