Yesterday was a tough day.
I think somehow my whole body knew it was going to be tough…or my spirit did. Something anyway. I felt really sucky all Sunday, and woke up still feeling sucky on Monday morning. I lay curled up in a fleece blanket, sipping on lemon and ginger tea while watching Everwood hoping it would make me feel better before I had to go to work.
And I went from staring at the bank statement (our most recent), to the computer screen, to talking to trustees, to the computer screen, to the heavens, to the bank statement, to the computer screen.
Over the weekend it was announced that one of the schools we have visited for years has gone into liquidation and will likely shut down (unless the parents can find £2 million to pay off creditors).
Our own outgoings are higher than our incomings, and there really isn’t anywhere else to cut costs…we actually need to increase costs to do what we’ve got to do really.
I was updating my CV at the weekend, and you know, I just don’t want to leave. The ladies I spoke to on Thursday night…I don’t think they think I should be leaving my job for a new one either. Is that me or is that God? Or is it both? I don’t know.
So many phone calls, e-mails and so on that are part of my working day, I sat on a downer. Wondering what is going to happen. Am I just really crap? Have I got it all wrong?
And then the links come up on my twitter feed (by this time I’m so down I’m aimlessly clicking on links out of sheer ‘anything to take my mind off this’)
Click 1: Plywood People blog…a story from a woman working in a pregnancy centre.
Click 2: Lindsey Nobles blog…a guest post from Tam & Kass Hodge.
Click 3: Kyle Reed’s blog…his post this day uses the photo used on both the leaflets for my pregnancy crisis centre, plus the national (Scottish) pregnancy support leaflets.
Now, I don’t know if that’s all just freaky coincidence, but I do know that most days the blogs I read do not usually contain these stories (although Tam has shared her story on her own blog before).
I also have little food in the fridge/cupboards today, so decided to pull out my Percy Pig toastie maker. Located when I moved over to my friend’s house (where I’m currently living for 2 months) that had been boxed up with other kitchenware since I moved back to Edinburgh 3 years ago.
It brought a smile as it oinks when you close the lid to make a toastie. My sister got me this one Christmas to much my flatmate’s Daisy Cow toastie maker. It was the first flat on my own – paying rent, electricity, having to cook for myself all the time (as opposed to when I was coming home at 10 p.m. from dance classes). I was 18.
Somehow from there it got me to – heck, it’s almost been a decade since I left high school! to wow, 8 years ago I was inter-railing around Europe to hang on, it’s been 9 years since I was back at work, bleeding and in pain from having had a surgical abortion a few days before.
All a big secret. Just living life as normal. Blocking out the pain and anger and other emotions I didn’t understand and letting them explode out me when everything seemed to get ‘too much’.
It seems like a lifetime ago.
In fact now it doesn’t feel like it ever happened to me. That 17 year old girl…did I even know her?
I just know that every guy and lassie I meet, I think..it could happen to you. 15 years old. 40 years old. Single. Married. Long-term relationship. One night relationship. Working class. Upper class. Olive skinned. Dark skinned. White skinned.
1 in 3 women in the UK will most likely have an abortion by the time they are 45 years old.
I thought that had to be wrong, until I discovered from a pupil who knew that in a class of 25 about 7-10 of them had already had an abortion at age 16/17.
And I could see the pain, the burden of secrets in some of their eyes.
I know there’s a lesson I was forced to learn on 25th May 2001*. And it wasn’t that Marie-Claire’s pen friend had a good journey in her ferry crossing to France…it was that pregnancy crisis doesn’t just happen to a certain type of girl.
It can happen to anyone. It does happen to anyone.
Being in love doesn’t stop you getting pregnant, and contraception isn’t always full-proof.
Unplanned pregnancy, pregnancy loss through abortion or miscarriage, infertility, struggles with positive parenting…they all happen, and will probably continue happening until the end of time. Since they’ve been happening since the beginning of time if we believe the bible is true!
But that is the first lesson I ever learned from Sophie.