The problem that came with blogging

You know, I often get surprised by someone coming up to me and telling me something they feel bad for knowing because they found out on my blog. Certainly, one of the biggest challenges of this little adventure has been church.

Leaving my church family in Aberdeen was tough, because everyone knew me there. They knew my personality, my 6 years in Aberdeen, who my friends were, baptised me in water, got me leading worship. But recently I realised that actually most of the people there (outside my cell group who knew me better than ANYONE…seriously, those dudes know all my secrets!) would not have known much of the story of my life that I shared on here. I never told them that I tried to commit suicide when I was 15 and that’s how I had my first ‘encounter’ with God that I vividly remember. I never told them that I’d had an abortion so I could come live in Aberdeen. I never told them why I was at university a year early.

And so I must have seemed like a totally socio/psychopathic person for no reason at all…until I came to acceptance and peace with my past and who I was, and was content to be…well…me.

When I came to Edinburgh, I was this vaguely normal (ish) person and nobody knew me from those days of panic attacks, tears and screaming and swearing in church corridors. Oh, the anecdotes Pete Wilson could have had for Plan B. I was probably the closest and most attune with God’s voice I’ve ever been, and though my journey here was just beginning and I had no clue what it was going to look like…I was at peace.

I was also for the first time ever, treated as a ‘grown-up’. Because these folks just knew me as 23 year old woman who had just moved back to Edinburgh via a month in Australia. Not the 17 year old girl who turned up to church hungover once (or a few times). And then I was the girl who was going to be working at the pregnancy crisis centre.

My blog started off being a stream of thoughts from bible, humourous tales of my malteser moments (or just anecdotes that my smallgroup had found very entertaining…), an update of the crazy journey with its twists and turns. And then of course things in what seemed like the perfect plan started going awry.

And my blog became my venting space. In my life I got sick of lying, so I was at my most blunt, my most honest. I couldn’t pretend everything was ok, and that I was content in all the circumstances I was finding myself in. To sort of quote from Plan B: God wasn’t showing up in the way I thought He was going to. It started out much better than I thought, and was getting much worse than I thought it could possibly get…and then seemed to get progressively more messy and painful. Yep. I’ve not been the happiest of bunnies over the last 3 years!

The problem?

I didn’t realise that many people that I know pretty much by name only (and some I didn’t know) who were part of my new church were reading.

Assumptions were made about me based purely on what they read here. And I guess what they might see from a distance. And 2 + 2 were put together and it came out with 5.

And it’s funny because people who’ve known me well before they knew me through blogging have not had that issue. And people who knew purely through blogging who I’ve now met in person have told me that I’m exactly the same offline as I am online.

So I don’t understand. I guess I must make people uncomfortable, because well – I don’t fit into anyone’s box.

To mention Pete again, he talked the other day about the labels people have given him. I was showing Sarah on Tuesday, and we just felt so sad for those people. And though no one has done that to me publicly online, it has gone on behind the scenes on occasion – not always intentionally…but it’s happened all the same.

I’m sorry I’m not perfect, and I’m sorry I don’t always respond graciously to what life throws at me. I’m still learning, and I do try to be a better person than I am currently. I’m trying to seek God’s will in what I do. But sometimes I just simply don’t want to on the days I think ‘wow, think how much easier my life would be if I didn’t believe in God‘.

No guilt! I wouldn’t care so much! My friendships and relationships with my family would be much easier!

Basically those are the days that I don’t have an eternal perspective.

But our time here on earth is momentary. And I think the pain is worth it….because God can bring something more precious any manmade treasure out of it.

And actually if you’re someone who knows me ‘from a distance’ reading this, I’d much rather you got to know me in person than on my blog (it’s less one-sided for a start). :)

6 thoughts on “The problem that came with blogging

  1. You are very wonderful in ‘real’ life. Sometimes people can’t handle honesty, that life is a mucky business and prefer to pretend to be perfect. That is what makes the church a difficult place to be in and causes it to have a reputation of hypocrisy. But as far as I can tell God isn’t expecting us to be perfect, he’s just expecting us to be there, as we are. I’ve had my fair share of labels being stuck on me but I refuse to carry any label but ‘loved’.

  2. @David – you and Diane totally too. We should have a big ‘blog/tweet-up’ in Scotland :)

    @Nikki – Thanks friend! I know this is something we’ve talked about a lot over the last few years. And you already know how much I love that last sentence of yours thee.

    ‘I’ve had my fair share of labels being stuck on me but I refuse to carry any label but ‘loved’.’

    Amen sister. And PS you and Mr Hulks are very wonderful, if not more so, in real life too.

  3. Laura Anne, I would love to meet you in real life but I’m afraid money and distance (for both of us) are currently stopping that. But even though I’ve mainly just known you through your blog I think you’re wonderful and look forward to meeting you one day, even if it’s just in heaven. : D

  4. @Prue – I know. Boooooo! (to the money and distance) That’s not what I meant by ‘knowing me from a distance’ though – it’s more people who read this who see me from a distance on a regular basis literally. :) It’s different when we’re using the internet to bridge literal gaps that wouldn’t be able to connected otherwise. But I wonder if we then use social networking so much we forget how to make ‘in person’ connections?

  5. I think your honesty is wonderful! I don’t think being a Christian means we’re supposed to be perfect. I think it means we struggle, perhaps even more so, but we ultimately have a different perspective on it. And if we hold our struggles in, how can we be real community and support each other? How can we speak of our God and our faith with integrity if we don’t speak with honesty? Keep it up! Lots of love. xx

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s