Being a girl is not something that comes easily to me. I know that probably sounds very strange, because well…I am a girl! But for sure, the moment I get put in a ‘girl box’ all my insecurities come to the surface. Whether it’s because a guy opens a door for me, I’m in a dress or shopping with other girls…I’m freaking out.
In early 2005, my friend was a leader of a YF I sometimes went along to at another church. They were going on a retreat weekend in the Cairngorms, and she invited me to come along. At the time I was struggling – I’d been pretty hurt by church during my recovery from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and I wasn’t sure where I stood with a great many people in Aberdeen. Plus God seemed to be saying for me to do something that seemed totally crazy & I was terrified to admit to anyone. Eventually it was decided I would come along, and I drove me and my friend down early, I was so happy to realise too, that the 2 of us had a room to share with no one else.
That weekend, the guy that was teaching and ministering to us was a man named John Scott who at the time was a pastor at the Glasgow Vineyard church.
And apparently he had a gift of prophecy.
I had laid down some ‘well God, I’ll do xxxx if this guy says xxxxx‘ without telling anyone, and was shocked to tears when the guy began to not only say those very words (like word specific) but began to speak stuff that he couldn’t possibly have known unless someone had told him.
On the final morning (as I was trying to avoid him…) he cornered me, as I stood alongside my friends Jo and Gill, and told me that I needed to start embracing my femininity.
I wanted to punch him. Gill just stood by me sniggering as she knew exactly in what way the words he spoke over me were relevant.
As much as I did ‘makeovers’ when my friends and I had sleepovers, quite frankly I’d rather sleep than get up earlier so I have time to do my hair and make up. I can think of much better things to spend my money on than expensive make up. I get bugged at the female characters in chick flicks and Disney Princess movies (give me Lilo & Stitch or How to Train Your Dragon any day!). I was far too busy cycling to the gym, talking to friends online, going to dance classes to bother to learn any culinary talents (why waste time cooking?!). I was so bad at sewing that I got banned from sewing ribbons on my own pointe shoes by my main ballet teacher and I ended up sticking my Girl Guide badges to my sash with fabric glue. And I never cease to amaze with my ability to iron more creases into something than an item of clothing had to begin with.
And so at 26, I’m learning how to be a girl again. Though I doubt I’ll ever be wearing pink, or seen walking around with perfect hair, have patience with girls when they aren’t just upfront with stuff, become a fan of period dramas, X Factor or ever feel 100% secure in anything but jeans. Then again, I have discovered this year that tops or dresses over leggings are great when my stomach is swollen and I can’t fit into my jeans. (This has pleased my mother no end unfortunately. I guess the teenage rebellion has to end at some point…)
I have embraced one girly thing – my nails which seem to grow and grow and grow. Though rarely seen with nail polish on them, I will be upset on the rare occasions where I break one! Working in health & social care sector for several years, I had to keep my nails short, and seen as I can no longer play guitar I was finally able to start keeping them long again.
And it’s both cheaper and less painful than fully embracing my love of shoes.
Plus I can be a girl and still love Top Gear and dream of driving a Pagani Zonda…right?