At some point last week the blues just hit me. It’s difficult for people who haven’t really experienced it to understand. It starts with me just not wanting to get out of bed. It progresses to me hugging radiators and just not wanting to move from wherever I am. I want to stay in one place and hide. I start spacing out. Every morning I just want to cry – especially if it’s dark and/or cold when I wake up. I’m permanently sleepy. My brain starts turning to mush. I can’t remember what I was about to do. I wake up wondering where I am or thinking I’m somewhere I’m not. I do really silly things like putting my mobile phone charger in between 2 plates or start trying to open my front door with a car key.
The feeling of hopelessness is suffocating, and the temptation to use my once all-time last resort for some release rears its ugly head once again. Every day feels like survival rather than living.
And how do you explain that the reason you’ve stopped being bubbly, the reason you can’t seem to hold a conversation or remember that you already had that conversation is because winter has arrived?
This is why you leave all your annual leave for those cold months you know you’ll need it when you cannot face the thought of getting out of your pyjamas and into work. Or to interact with people who simply just don’t get it.
This is why you don’t go to church because you fear that some kid has got germs to pass on some awful cold, flu or stomach bug.
This is why you make sure you don’t have to be anywhere before it’s be sunlight for at least an hour because you can’t bear the thought of weeping while you try to find the will power to stumble in the dark in search of your clothes and a toothbrush.
It’s funny how you don’t forget that it happens, but you forget how intense it feels. Being smothered by the frosty darkness. Wondering if you’re going to lose all your friends because of your unhappiness.
There is one redeeming quality.
You know it is temporary.
Because you’ve been through it before, year after year after year. You know what you need to do to get through it, to do your best to cope with it. You’ll fight. You know there is the hope that the first snowdrop will bring. One day the sun will rise higher in the sky, one day you’ll walk outside and it will not hurt to breathe in the outside air. One day you’ll open your eyes in the morning and you’ll smile because it’s a brand new day and the sun is warming once again.
So while the frost invades, I’ll remember the promise of snowdrops that will come again.