Over the last few weeks, I’ve really struggled just to keep going every day. Dragging myself out of my bed, dragging myself out the door, making myself reply to the texts I’m alerted to by Phoebe Phone’s magical noise. I won’t lie – I’ve felt overwhelmed, and there have been a couple of days over the last month where I haven’t made it out of pyjamas until teatime.
There was a day a few weeks ago, where I sat at work, drained of everything and feeling like I was doing a crap job. And then last week, on my first day without my colleague, a client gave me a bouquet of sunflowers. I came home that day drained as well, I’d had to stay at work more than 2 hours later than I’d planned. I came home put the flowers in the only vase I own and set them on the coffeetable. And they’ve been a reminder – that I do have something to give.
Most of the stuff I love doing, is the stuff I do for ‘free’. Tonight I went to collect 3 suit holders filled with Guide uniforms from 1910-1990 and a bag filled with books, magazines and scrapbooks showing the history of Girlguiding in Edinburgh (and the UK). I got a train to Berwick yesterday so I could spend a evening with my godson and his little brother and their parents got to be ‘kid free’, and then spent an afternoon on a beach in the rain showers and wind for our monthly Soul Surfers gatherings. In June I spent 4 days with our national team and touring them around Central/East Scotland. And in a few weeks I’ll be starting life as a university student once again.
I am richly blessed with so many amazing people in my life. So many incredible experiences.
And sometimes, it can feel like maybe it’s not worth the sacrifice. Or that my brokenness means I’m not capable of giving anything to anyone.
Until someone gives you sunflowers, and you realise that we’re all broken, and we all have something to give each other.
And we can earn all the money in the world, but you might have to sacrifice having a life in order to do that. And there’s no way I’m trading in the friendships I make through social media, the fun I have volunteering with Girlguiding or the stress of organising the Scottish conferences every year for becoming a millionnaire.