The woes of Cassie the Corsa


Earlier this summer, my friend and I talked about doing something we’ve wanted to do for years. Go to the Q conference. Our friends have gone every year since it started, and always came back so enthused with new ideas and buzzing with creativity. I always kinda said ‘next year I’m going to save and go’.

This time, it actually seemed like a genuine possibility. Next April, I have no commitments. No weddings. No study. No partners day scheduled yet. I finally have tenants in my flat. For the first time, my finances have been in a steady place. My Mum said she would like to come with me, and we talked of hiring a car and driving the Pacific Coast Highway. A dream of mine for a long time. Sharing the cost would make it plausible for me to go.

Then I discovered that the same week as Q, the NCAA women’s gymnastics championships would be at Pauley Pavilion (where the gymnasts at 1984 Summer Olympics competed) as it’s UCLA is hosting them next April.

It seemed like the stars were in alignment.

And then on Wednesday I went to the gym. I went across the evil speed bump (which I swear is gradually wrecking my already suffering car). Afterwards my friend and I got a sunbed, and as I parked my car I thought I could hear a really odd clunking noise. Today I realised there really is a clunking noise. Rattling every time I go through Edinburgh’s many potholes. I realise my car needs to go to the garage.

Actually, my car desperately needs to be replaced for a newer more reliable one.

And most likely, my dream of California is over before it’s even begun.

Now I’m real mad that I bothered to order my Lonely Planet guide that’s on its way to me from Amazon. I’m mad that I spent a summer having fun. I have those doubts creeping in about quitting my part-time job and getting a better paid full-time one (that pays me in a way to improve my credit rating!!)

As much as Cassie the Corsa and I have been on many adventures, this time I’m not upset at the thought of saying goodbye because I know that she can’t do the job I need her to be able to do anymore.

Next month I need to travel to Glasgow, Fraserburgh and Durham – I don’t think she’ll be getting me to any of these places.

If you’re the praying type – I’d love if you could send a few up for me. That travel would somehow be provided, and that I’d find a way to get money for a new car. :(

Chasing the dreams

Yesterday was a good day. The town was painted in Maroon as the Scottish Cup made its way to Tynecastle Stadium. I saw my lil sister and we walked in the sunshine down at Cramond – until we were so cold we had to return to the sanctuary of Cassie the Corsa. We ate pizza, drank ginger beer and watched Cougar Town. I know I have instilled in my sister a love for good American tv and also for music. :)

Though we are still sad that Gavin DeGraw went all pop and mainstream.

These last weeks have been exhausting. Today I spent 35 mins trying to get our centre locked (which means I have to call the locksmith back…sigh) and already knew I had tasks still to do when I came home. I got on the bus and just curled up in a ball exhausted. Worrying if I’ll be able to get another tenant in my flat, and what the financial implications will be if I don’t. Worrying if I’ll be able to get on holiday to Cornwall in July.

Worrying doesn’t do much good though.

For the most part, I’ve lived a life of few regrets. But in the last 5 years (I realise that I missed the anniversary of my return to this city a few weeks ago) I’ve made a lot of sacrifices to do the job I now do. Sometimes I’m concerned I’ve got myself into a rut and I’ll remain here until I die, and that would not be good.

So with a little time before bed last night I decided to go back to this blog and write out my bucket list. I crossed off the ambitions I’ve already achieved. I added a few more.

And stuck the list on my inspiration wall to remind me to work towards doing them.

Next year – if I can save up the money and get a spot (and work through the fear of travelling on a plane) – I’d like to head to California to go to Q. I’ve wanted to attend Q for many years, and never been able to go. I’d like to think that 2013 might be the year. And maybe achieve a few more ambitions while I’m there.

Like getting a hug from David McCallum.

And cartwheeling on a beach in California.

Who knows?

Right now everything is against me. My fear. My financial situation.

But I realise that without the time away from this place, I become bitter, narrow-minded, resentful, impatient, and stuck. Something about sunshine and being in a different location, in a different culture helps us realign ourselves. Gives us better perspective, some hope.

And a sense of achievement.

Or maybe that’s just me?