Tag Archives: family

It would be great if you could choose your family

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Someone once said, ‘you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family‘

I think I thought I had as close to perfect a family until I went to high school in one of the posher parts of Edinburgh. And then I met all these kids from nuclear families – you know with Mums, Dads and siblings all under one roof, 100% of the time.

Weird.

I think I was pretty jealous, until in the last few years various high school friends have gone through the painful experience of having their parents go through divorces.

Where did that come from?

Over the last month or so, my own family has come back into my life again. It has not been easy, and emotions have run high. Some of my friends have questioned

Are you sure you should let them into your life again?

The days where I take the day off and then no one turns up. The things that are said to me. The anxiety of knowing what is going on with my younger siblings and being powerless to do anything about it. Being old enough to know what is going on when your parents go through a divorce.

I fully admit that I don’t have a clue how to deal with the whole situation. I don’t know how to talk about it without a sense of humour attached. I don’t know whether I even want to talk about it (yet here I am, blogging it to the world!).

I do know that I have an avatar on Twitter that says ‘We are POTSC’ – People Of The Second Chance. I do know that I’ve got some lovely friends that I luckily have from my smallgroup (and I’m still majorly bummed about its demise). And I know that on the weekends where I’m feeling like I’m totally alone in this world going to church makes me feel about a 100 times worse.

The simple fact is that I’m a person that loves to have lots of friends and family around her.

And somehow I seem to have gotten really disconnected. Through many moves. Through a lack of money. Through my mobile phone be cut off and SIM card locked 2 years ago. Through losing a ton of e-mail addresses and ‘real’ mail addresses.

Through not knowing how to respond to one simple question: ‘How’s life?‘

I guess because it’s not a short nor a simple answer unless I lie.

‘Fine‘.

But I guess it comes with the territory. Families are never perfect, nor are they simple to deal with. You don’t get to pick them on similar interests or values, beliefs, age or personality.

They are my flesh and blood. And I care deeply about what happens. I desperately want to see restoration and healing here. And I know that I’m the only one who represents God within this particular group. And all eyes are on me to see how I respond.

I had more than just a second chance myself.

So how can I not give them the same opportunities?

Being a background soap opera character

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They had a fight, he’s hysterical, please come now.

They don’t want you to come.

We’ll meet you there.

….

Yes, I’m coming to Scotland.

No I’m not.

He had an affair.

No I didn’t.

I didn’t know anything about it.

He is living with them.

He hasn’t missed that much school.

He’s had the worst report he’s ever had.

We don’t know what’s going on.

He assalted me.

No, he didn’t.

I can’t go home.

She basically chose him over me.

He’s been arrested.

No, he’s living back there again.

I want to see if I can have a relationship with them again.

He’ll be getting out now.

I don’t know.

I’m living here.

No I’m living here now.

I had to change the phone again.

I think I might be….

He tried to beat him up when he was drunk.

She’s trying to say…

I’m going to…

No, I was never doing that.

Confused? This has been my life for the last 2.5 years. Someone once told me I should write a book one day, though as time goes on the Soap Opera seems more approrpiate. The point is, that I don’t think any of us know where we are or where we stand. There have been lots of lies, half-truths, omissions and blind eyes turned.

After my teenage years, it should be water off a duck’s back to me.

But it’s not.

Because now, I don’t have my chosen family anymore. The people who would be my emergency contact. The people who I’d stay with when things got ugly. The people who would just simply wrap me up in a huge hug instead of trying to ‘fix it’ or offer perfectly well-meaning platitudes to try and make sense of it all. I always had an alternative.

It used to be my girl friends in high school, then Sophie’s father’s family. Then it was my friends in halls. My uni  boyfriend’s family. And then it was the lovely family from my cellgroup in Aberdeen.

Now I’m in the city that I cut myself off from in the summer of 2001.

I’m stuck back here now, and I can’t remember the last time I felt so incredibly alone.

I’m perfectly sure that there are the people who would say ‘oh, but God is with you‘. I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t cut it. We were made for people, not just a God who is like the wind. There are the people that would recommend counselling. But I know what caused this, how we got here, and the rest. I know exactly why I feel the way I feel.

I’m not little miss independent like I was when I was 15 or 16.

I soooooo wish I was!

Unfortunately, I’m a person that cares.

Gone is the girl who ‘just wants to die’ so the pain will go away. I care.

I guess I just want to live, rather than every day feel like it is to be survived.

Travelling Tuesday: Covent Garden, London, England

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Join in with Travelling Tuesday at CarolineCollie.com

Yes, I went to London last week…I was headed southwards for work, and I always fly into London rather than Southampton because it’s usually cheaper, plus I get the Air Miles if I do it that way! So since my lil sis – miss Giraffe – lives in London town now, I headed down a day early booked myself into a hotel next to Waterloo station (as that’s where the train to Basingstoke leaves from) so we could be reunited.

I wanted to go to Covent Garden, so that’s where we met up.

We had lunch – me, my sister & her flatmate, and were later unexpectedly joined by our Dad. Yes. My Dad. He hung around while the 3 of us went in to take some photos…Although Miss Giraffe was heaving a big sigh at the thought of going to Covent Garden at first…but we ended up having a laugh. It brought back a lot of childhood memories for the two of us, as we used to travel down to London the weekend before Christmas every year. We always spent an afternoon in Covent Garden looking around the market, and finding some extra special beanie babies to add to K’s extensive collection of them.

From there we headed back to Waterloo…but those pics are for another Travelling Tuesday ;)

Elmo, work, tornado & Thrive Africa

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Yesterday was a rough first day back. I came home with a major headache which made me feel sick to my stomach. I didn’t plan to go to into the office today, but there was so much to be done (and is still so much to be done) that I went in anyway. Elmo got me through…plus Sarah was back and she brought cinnamon swirls…

Anyway, I ended up wearing my Thrive Africa t-shirt, and when I logged onto Twitter later in the day, I discovered the news that a tornado had hit the Thrive mission base in South Africa :(

The full story can be found here.

So me & the Elmos just want to say….we’re thinking and praying for you all at Thrive.

In other prayer requests…

1. My friends David & Diane Goodwin who were meant to emigrating from Australia back to the UK today…..currently stranded in Sydney

2. David (another one) who was hitchhiking to Morocco to raise funds for Link Community Development. We were so busy praying he’d get there, I don’t think anyone considered praying for him making his way back since he’d pre-booked a flight for that. Now he’s stranded in Morocco.

3. Pupils from my cousin’s old high school who are currently stranded in China

4. One of my colleagues in another pregnancy crisis centre who is currently stranded in the USA

5. My friends Kathy & Duncan who are supposed to be heading to the Q conference in Chicago later this week

Not to mention 1000s of others stranded due to 6 days of limited-no flights in Europe because of the Icelandic Volcano spewing it’s ash at us, plus the airlines and so many other businesses across the world affected by all of this.

Oh yeah, and I’m supposed to be flying down to London next Tuesday – partly for work, partly to SEE MY SISTER!!! & hopefully party to meet Becca.

Little streams of hope…

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Yesterday totally sucked. It wasn’t that anything major happened, just lots of little irritating things happened. And with each additional irritating thing I dealt with it more melodramatically than the last.

Today Edinburgh and Midlothian may have disappeared into a giant raincloud, but my heart is full.

I met with two amazing women from a church in East Lothian. I LOVE what this church is doing. I have a number of friends who go there, and I just love their creativity, their faith, their community.

From there, I went over to see Carrie. Elastatoddler is growing up so fast! He’s started Rugby Tots (yes, rugby for toddlers!!) and can count to 10, plus recognise bigger numbers too. He can now say my name, speak in proper sentences…and he’s not even 2 yet! Yes, I’m a proud fairy godmother. Baby brother is growing fast too – at 7 weeks old, he is the same weight Elastatoddler was at 12 weeks old. Eek!

Then it was a quick stop at home for some soup before heading to babysit for my fave 5 yo – Miss Sweetroot! We made pizza (ok, so we put toppings on a margherita pizza) and then shared pizza and salad while listening to her playlist on her Dad’s iPod speakers. Nothing quite like eating pizza while going from ‘Bat Cat’ (Charlie & Lola) to ‘Worthy, you are worthy’ (Matt Redman). Then we put together some Mr Potato Heads. Then her Mummy & Daddy came home.

And then I came home. I didn’t realise I had a window with Facebook open. I hear that noise that tells me someone is trying to ‘chat’ with me. Who is it?

My youngest brother typing ‘KOALA!!! TALK TO ME!!!’

This is the first contact I’ve had with him since Christmas Day 2008 when I briefly spoke with him over the phone. I love that the first question he asked me was ‘How’s Cassie??‘ (like I’ve said before…all my family refer to my car as if it’s a member of our family)

I love to see my friend’s children growing up, and wonder what they’ll be like as they get older. I hope to be a good influence in their lives.

I have new hope again that I’ll see my brother again in person. Man, I miss him so much, he’s no longer a wee boy…he’s on the verge of manhood, and will be 15 next month. Scary biscuits. And hopefully I’ll get to see my lil sis next month when I’m in London.

I have hope to reconnect with old friends during my trips to England over this year. Plus meet some of my online friends…I hope we all like each other in person!

And I’m rebuilding my inspiration wall. Last week when looking for my old journals (to help jog my memory while writing some of my Journey into PCC work posts) I discovered a laundry basket full of old notes, pictures, cards. Many of the photos I had stuck on my walls have gone missing, but I hope to find them too.

My wall of quotes, bible verses, song lyrics, drawings, cards & photographs remind me not to lose the hope, and replace any hope that has been lost with something called faith.

What 5 hours in a 24-7 prayer room can do…

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So the tweeples will know that on Sunday night/Monday morning I ended up spending 5 hours in a 24-7 prayer room at our church. As one of the people who moaned and whined and begged for us to have one in the first place, and helped set up the very first one we had…I haven’t been there for at least a year.

Sunday was a bad day. It started off well: I woke up, it was sunny. My Mum loved her flowers and the lemon cupcakes, laughed at what I’d written in her card for Mother’s Day. We planned to have Sunday dinner together as a family, so I headed out for the 11.15 service.

I drove all the way there. Saw people walking into church together. Parked my car.

And froze. I just couldn’t go in.

I took a detour home, thankfully everyone was out so no questions to why I had returned so early. I crawled back into bed, cried and ended up watching Brothers & Sisters which I’d missed on Thursday evening.

I was sad because it was Mother’s Day.

It took me a while to figure out why it bothered me so much this year. And then I  remembered that my Mum got pregnant with me on her 26th birthday. And never had any more children after me. So I’d always thought, well you know, I’m going to have my first child by the time I’m 26. That’s just the way it is going to be.

Like you can plan these things?!!

I realised this time last year I was in Watford. I had to go on Norethisterone to be able to drive there and back for the training. When I came off it a few days later, oh man did I pay for it. The doctor wanted me to drive across town to get my first Depo injection and I remember wanting to scream….HOW?!! Only I couldn’t really string a sentence together at the time, I was in a ton of pain. I got there a week later. I’m so grateful it worked. I know it’s temporary, but I’m so thankful. But the fact I’m no longer going down that aisle of the supermarket, it’s a reminder that there’s such a high chance I won’t ever be going down the baby aisle next to it either.

Though part of me think it’s probably a good thing that I won’t be a parent in that way for a great many reasons, there are the days where it makes me sad.

My sister called me later on. We discussed what she’s trying to do to get back on track with her career after a 2 year ‘detour’ from it.

She now understands the fights I had with our Dad over the years. She’s found out now, the hard way. There’s part of me that is glad that she understands, and there’s part of me that is a mixture of sad and angry that she now understands. We trusted him. And he let us down. When will we learn?

The two of us are seemingly surrounded by friends but also incredibly lonely. We’re struggling and the last 2 years in her words ‘have been so crap‘. Yes, we’re fed up. We’re sick of our life as we know it in a great many ways. Yes, we know we have to work hard to make it better. But it’s tough because most of the people around us don’t understand what we’ve been going through….and are still going through.

And so on Sunday night I asked for people on Twitter to send me prayer requests. I needed a reason to go into that prayer room. I searched out my prayer journal so I could right them down. My journal is the main way I have talked to God since well, forever.

The last entry? August 2008. A few days after my sister had finally managed to get in contact with me after several months of separation. That phone call came at Midnight and after hanging up I broke down in tears to my best friend in Aberdeen.

As much as I know that it wasn’t God’s fault – I felt so betrayed.

I had shared my fears. People thought I was being ridiculous. Paranoid. Melodramatic. You know, the usual I guess. When in fact the situation had gotten far, far worse than I had anticipated.

We were all so very, very broken.

I really thought that when I came back to Edinburgh it would be the final pieces of healing and restoration. I was in my dream job – the one God had been preparing me for. I would have a flat so people could come visit Edinburgh, have smallgroups in it, my siblings, my friends, my friends’ children.

I understand the words of David in Psalm 13: How long O Lord will you forget me? How long will I have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

I spent the first 1.5 hours praying for my friends around the world. And then I wrote a bit of an angry letter to God really.

What now Lord? How long is it going to be like this?

I’m begging you Lord to show me the way out of this…

And I sat. And I lay on the floor. I sang in prayer. And I sat some more. Hoping that nobody would turn up, because I’m sure I would have burst into tears all over them. Plus I knew that my eye make up was most definitely smudged by that point.

Today, I feel as if a bit of that wall that has been existing between me and God has been broken down. It’s not demolished completely. But I was able to open my bible and have started building up a prayer/inspiration wall like I used to have in Aberdeen.

Our struggles are still here. And I’ve always been able to choose to worship God through singing despite all circumstances.

I’ve missed just talking to him about everything though.

Not just praying for people. Interceding. Or postcard prayers as I head into work, or events or worry about something or someone.

Actually just sit and have a conversation with my Daddy in Heaven because I want to, rather than because I know I should.

I’m ending with this video, because it’s the song I’ve been singing for months now, and I sang it last night in the prayer room, and several times today. I sing it over and over because it is true, and it’s my prayer for my life right now…

The difference between needing & wanting

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It has been 3  years since God told me to move to Edinburgh and I actually was obedient to his command for once.

I have obeyed God more than once…but um…I do occasionally ignore or question some of the (from my perspective) weird/wacky/insane things He has asked me to do. Like break up with my Christian boyfriend, or get up and share my testimony to all the folks at the YF service or drop out of my degree in my 3rd year into it to study something completely different or go to South Africa….

Yeah.

Anyway. Over the last 3 years my biggest challenge has been going from student (a time where money was rarely an issue thanks to part-time jobs, working summers, financial support from my Dad and not paying Council Tax) to Community Learning Worker (a time where my first pay check made me cry, but I could still live fairly comfortably) to working part-time for a charity (goodbye holidays and retail therapy).

I’m going to be honest. When I see folks on Twitter announcing they’ve just bought the latest iPhone or I see folks going on more than one holiday per year, I get a little bit ‘grrrr that’s not fair’ (I do believe the word for this is jealous). It’s not pretty, and I’m not proud of it.

Absolutely I sometimes have a moan to God about the whole thing. How come they are blessed with all these wonderful material things, and I’m struggling, money is a constant worry?

(and God said…read Psalm 73)

I get down because I can’t buy the clothes and shoes I’d love to wear to feel a little bit more ‘me’ or ‘pretty’ or well, just generally less of a scruffy minger!

I get sick of being uncool.

There are times where I just want to sign up for a gym membership or a dance class (I miss it lots…).

I hate not being able to treat my friends. I would love to send care packages to some of my friends abroad. I would love to treat my friends to something special that I know they’d really love and appreciate on birthdays and Christmas and so on.

I wish I could give some regular financial support to some of my friends doing ‘mission’ work abroad.

I would love to be able to have an hour long conversation with my friends who don’t live in Edinburgh where I can hear their voice! (thank you Jesus that I discovered Skype!)

I burst into tears and yelled at God in a car park in January when my sister asked for my help and support when we waited to hear whether my Dad would be coming out of his ‘residence’ of the previous 6 months, and then screwed her over leaving her about to be homeless in London. I couldn’t just ‘fly’ down or hop on a train.

I hate when my friends offer to take me out for a meal out or whatever when I know that I can’t do the same for them all the time.

But I’m glad that I’ve gone through these last 3 years not being a millionaire’s daughter anymore. It’s taught me a lot about the difference between needs and wants, and when I have been able to buy a new nail varnish or get a DVD or a new pair of jeans I’ve appreciated and enjoyed it so much more!

Because it is a blessing, a privilege and not a right.

You know, I’m quite happy with my 4 year old regular Nokia mobile phone. It’s nice I have pics on it of me aged 21, my sister aged 14 and my brother aged 10 on it! I don’t have internet on it, and it doesn’t have applications for everything you could ever think of..but do I need that on my phone? No.

And yes, my iPod of the last few years does run out of ‘juice’ pretty quickly, but hey it still plays music. Not everyone has one.

And I’m much more savvy when it comes to things like coupons, cheap tickets to the cinema and saving up my loyalty card points.

Since South Africa, I’ve not gone into my overdraft once. And I’m quite proud of that. I don’t have credit cards. I do have a mortgage but I’ve never missed a payment.

And there is still much improvement to be made on my (lack of) financial management skills. :)

I’ve learned a lot. For sure, I’d love for my financial situation to change for the better, mainly for the opportunities that come with it (like not living with my maternal parental unit for example!) but this is what God has given me for the moment.

And I hope that if I do get blessed in the future, I will steward it wisely.

South Africa Fortnight…Liam & Rachel Byrnes

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South Africa fortnight continues at LFS Introducing... with another guest.

Liam, who used to blog at Byrnesy’s Blabberings (and incidentally went to the best uni ever…University of Aberdeen…oh yeah!) and his lovely wife, Rachel are my guests for the second half of this week of South Africa Fortnight. Please do head over and say hello!

Last year, they went off to Hawaii to do some training with YWAM before they headed out to Masi, South Africa.

It would be WONDERFUL if you could show them your support – even if it is just by leaving them a comment.

I’m loving that so many of you are tweeting/telling/facebooking/e-mailing me to tell me that you are enjoying getting to hear people’s stories and ‘meet’ them on LFS Introducing… But I really, really would rather you left a comment on people’s posts. I know it means a lot when you do.

Be brave. I know you can do it. :)

Mindless resting

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**A wee update on Eva – She seems to be doing better rather than worse. From her posts, she is counting each morning she wakes up a gift, making sure she tells everyone how much she loves them before bed in case she doesn’t wake up. But I tentatively suggest our prayers for a miracle are perhaps being answered. She is still on the transplant list & I’m still hoping & praying for a 2nd miracle for Eva. **

So I have the day off today! Hurrah! It’s now a rare thing for me to have a Saturday off so I really really really appreciate them more than I ever have done before.

Realising that ‘the lurgy’ brought me down the other week (and according to my Mum I still look ill…thanks so much for that encouragement Mum…love you too :P ) my e-mails are not getting checked. I’m in my comfy clothes. I’m enjoying having my Mum’s cousin (my second cousin) up from Southampton for the weekend. I’m looking forward to seeing friends tonight. Some of the HUGE pile of washing is currently soaping and spinning in the washing machine. My iPod is in its speakers (gotta love ‘hand me ups’ from my lil sis!) and I’m about to start an afternoon of baking cupcakes.

For my Mum, Alison and birthday girl, BringontheJoy

The sun is shining outside.

The frost is sparkling on the pavements and the grass. And thick on Cassie the Corsa.

I had a lovely night with my Mum, Auntie, Alison and my one maternal cousin, Mandie last night eating dinner at Room in the Town (another rare treat!!)

And I’m loving that some of my ‘new’ favourite American TV Dramas are back!

I’ve also discovered a new one which I’ve been watching on 4oD called The Good Wife. The main character, Alicia is played by Julianna Marguilies which was the main reason I checked it out. I think she’s a fab actress and I loved her as Nurse Carol Hathaway in ER! But watching it I discovered other familiar faces – Knox Overstreet from Dead Poet’s Society, Grams from Dawson’s Creek (aww, I loved Grams) Parminder Nagra’s ‘sister’ in Bend It Like Beckham, Logan Huntzburger from Gilmore Girls & Mary-Ann from Cybill.

Plus The Mentalist made it’s return last night for season 2. Took me ages to work out who the new agent is….Sara Johnson’s Dad in Save The Last Dance.

Anyway, I’m off to do a new cupcake experiment involving nutella. :)