Tag Archives: fear

The wall: crying out to God

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Of all the books in the bible, the two near the middle are my favourites. The Book of Proverbs for it’s straight up wisdom and common sense, and the Book of Psalms for it’s rawness, comfort and honesty.

Most of the time in the Psalms, it starts off positive, laments in the middle and ends with a resolve to remember the bigger picture.

I’m sure for some of my readers, you might think those verses are a little bit nutty. But over the last 4 years they’ve meant a great deal to me, and they went on my wall with another excerpt from Psalms…which is also on my wall but apparently I forgot to include it in my picture taking. Anyway, it says:

O Lord, hear me as I pray
Pay attention to my groaning
Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one but you.
Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord.
Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly

Psalm 5:1-3

What I love about the Psalms, is that there is no pretending. Sometimes I think Christians make out to other Christians that we should be joyfully taking all that is put against us. The Psalms tell me different. The Psalms say ‘be honest with how you feel’.

Let those emotions out.

It’s ok to feel whatever you’re feeling.

It’s what you do with what you’re feeling that counts.

 I’ve learned over the years that there are a lot of things that could happen in my life that would make fears realised. Bad things happen. People get sick. People die. People get taken away from us in other ways. Sometimes we struggle, we fear, we are desperate, it can seem like there is no hope. This thing we call life can lose it’s purpose and all seem totally pointless. Why bother trying to do good when it seems like there is so much evil, so much disaster that we can’t explain ‘why’.

In all of it, I’ve had to put my faith in God. I know that’s not going to stop the bad stuff.

It’s going to help me get through the bad stuff.

Sometimes I’m crawling through to the other side, rather than walking with my head high. It’s having peace to stay calm to get through the scary and tough times.

It’s getting through to the other side that counts.

That takes grit and courage and strength and encouragement.

The Wall: Failure is a part of life…

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I think most of us have a fear of failure. I know that as a girl who got seriously used to being top of the class, I never liked to do anything I knew I’d struggle with.

I’ve discovered on reflection though, that key to facing my fears of failure, is to surround myself with people who I know will stick with me on the journey to catch me if I fall.

When I decided to return to high school for a year and apply to university a year early I did so with the knowledge that I had a super supportive boyfriend who was going to help me study, and friends that were going to drag me back to school on the days where I’d walked out.

When I went to Morocco, I was terrified of people getting travel sick on the planes or on the 12 hour bus ride from Marrakech to Zagora. I’d never done a school trip before because of my emetophobia. But I knew that 3 of my best friends were coming to, and we’d be in it together (and none of them get travel sick). Friends held my hand take off and landing (not from a fear of flying, I just know that tends to be when people are most likely to get sick). They hid me and turned me around and walked with me in the opposite direction when one of our teachers got really ill during our 12 hour bus journey. And, I in turn helped people through homesickness and lack of clothing and panic attacks from riding camels.

I sadly went to university and chose a degree I knew I’d find pretty easy. Why? Fear of failure. When I changed across to the medical school it was terrifying. I cried pretty much weekly trying to make sense of statistics. I was struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome too, so often couldn’t get to lectures. I was so thankful for a friend in the CU who was awesome at maths and a patient teacher who explained stats and equations to me in very very simple ways.

When I came to the end of my undergraduate degree, I felt a very strong call from God to apply to study medicine. A few things terrified me. 1. Having to study chemistry 2. Dealing with my emetophobia 3. 5 more years of university. I didn’t get in. I wonder now if actually it was God trying to help me deal with my fear of failure. I found myself not that upset, because I went into a job in Community Education soon after and I’d wanted to do that anyway!

It’s ok to be afraid, I think. It’s when you let it stop you living that it becomes a problem. Yes. I was afraid of failing. There are a few things I regret not doing – one of them is studying abroad, which I didn’t do for fear of losing friends or not making friends when I got there. But I look back on these other decisions and I’m thankful that even though I was afraid – I still did it.

I went back to school. I went to Morocco. I went to Sweden and worked as a dance teacher for a week. I passed my exams first time and got into university. I went to university and lived in halls despite being only 17. I asked my friend if I could go to her church. I trusted the voice I heard was God when I got baptised, when I changed degree and when I moved back to Edinburgh. I went to Australia. I went to South Africa.

I would have missed out on all of that if I listened to my fear of failing.

Is there anything you really want to do but aren’t doing because you’re afraid you’ll fail at it?

Confessions and Questions

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Last week, a post of Pete Wilson’s caught my attention, (as they often d0). I have been running on empty for a looonnnnggg time now.

I realise that part of my stuggle was trying to separate God’s expectations from my own/other people’s expectations.

Since 2004, I’ve always used the sentence ‘I have been healed from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome’.

This week I’ve been forced to recognise that as much as I really want to believe that to be true, there is a strong possibility that it’s not true.

I hate admitting this.

It brings so many questions.

How do you balance that with being in leadership? How do you still serve as part of church? How do you get spiritually replenished when you can barely get out of bed in the morning?

How do you say ‘no’ to things you really believe in and are passionate about? Should you be saying no at all? Should you just be trying to push through?

How do you cope when someone gives you a compliment and it just makes you want to cry because more and more you are struggling to do what you love? How do you cope when your spirit says one thing and your body says another?

When the culture you are part of is ‘all or nothing’…how do you deal with the fact that your limitations force you to try find a compromise? Will people accept that, or is it that you’re going to have to be replaced in God’s kingdom?

Something I’ll never forget was the first year of dealing with CFS and the different responses from people in church.

On a really bad day I was rota-ed on to sing in the music team, the worship leader was awesome. He picked me up from my flat because he knew I wouldn’t be able to walk at that time in the morning. They had a seat so I could sit between songs or while I sang if I couldn’t manage to stand.

After the service the band and service leaders came together in a prayer huddle.

A leader turned to me to tell me off for having a seat because it wasn’t ‘worshipful’.

Should I just have not sang?

Should I have stayed home?

Was it my lack of faith?

And why couldn’t I just ‘snap out of it’ like so many people suggested I should?

These are the questions in my head right now. As I struggle to even pray. I can pray for everyone who has really life threatening stuff going on. That stuff is the real stuff that needs prayer.

As I keep trying to do all the work I can, so thankful now that I only work part-time. Thankful I work with an amazing group of people who are incredibly understanding. Thankful (in a wish you hadn’t been through it too, but glad you understand what it’s like) that someone in my soon-to-be-made-extinct smallgroup has been through this. Thankful for social networking which is becoming a lifeline & at times my only connection to the outside world. Thankful for people I connect with online who understand what this is like. Thankful for so many encouraging blog friends who encourage and get me thinking.

But scared.

Scared as I look ahead to heading to Basingstoke in a couple of weeks time (booking a 6 a.m. flight now seems utter folly). Scared as I know that there will be no smallgroup come January…it’s going to be just little me from there forward.  Scared when I think of the training course Sarah and I will be leading January-May. Scared as I think of schools visits, the germs, and no one to replace me if I get ill.

Holding on…

Holding on to the words of Isaiah

“The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Isaiah 40: 28-31

Confessions of an Emetophobic

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So just in case you didn’t already have evidence that I’m completely off my trolley, here’s some more. Was chatting with my smallgroup about Monday night’s beta carotene and coleslaw incident.

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It all started when I came home from work, and my Mum said ‘Oh, we’re having salmon and salad for tea, would you like some?’ I was all ‘yeah, that would be lovely, thanks!’

But for some weird and unknown reason she decided to put coleslaw on my plate. Wretching and trying not to run away screaming…I grabbed the plate and tried to tip the coleslaw and anything on the plate that the coleslaw had infected with its coleslawyness (totally a word btw!)  I suddenly realised I was left holding a fork covered in coleslaw. Hence the shriek of ‘Ewwwwww!!!!!!’ and the launch of said fork across the room.

A bit OTT? Yup, I know. But when it comes to all things relating to my emetophobia, rational is not a word to describe my actions. Reading this some time last year was scarily liking looking at my own reflection in a mirror.

It made me take pause to reflect on some of my weird habits which are perhaps either subconsciously or consciously emetophobia-related.

1. Fear of Coleslaw and most things based in Mayonnaise (egg mayonnaise and tuna mayonnaise especially)… I can’t look at it, and I struggle to watch anyone eat it, and I certainly cannot clean any kitchenware that has contained such things. 

2. Even though I’ve never been travel sick on a plane I take travel sickness tablets, just in case.

3. I never get a night bus in case a drunken person gets on and well, you know….

4. I never eat food past it’s sell by date or if it’s been open longer than the time allowed by the ‘please consume x days after opening’ (I label food with the date I open it for this reason).

5. If I’ve ever eaten food you’ve prepared, feel privileged. Between my obsessing over sell by dates, various other food hygiene stuff and various food allergies/intolerances I find it difficult to eat food I’ve not had full control in preparing and checking. 

6. I will never go on a ferry or boat on open water unless it’s really calm and the journey is extremely short. It took a lot of convincing from my Mum and various ferry terminal staff to get on the Staten Island Ferry. 

7. If I remotely think someone is looking like they might, or I hear or see someone…you know….my only goal is to run until I can’t hear or see anything. Possibly accompanied by some screaming.

8. If that person is me, I’ll be freaking out. Hyperventilating. Crying. Praying. Climbing the walls. Fainting. Doing anything and everything I can think of to try and prevent the inevitable from happening. 

9. If a new film comes out and I’m going to see it, I try and track down people who’ve seen it before me to find out if there are any scenes I won’t be able to face watching. 

10. Just in case I need to run out the cinema because an unexpected scene comes up, I will want to sit in the aisle seat for a quick and easy getaway. Like when I went to see Apollo 13, and didn’t come back into the cinema for about 30 mins. 

11. I will never, ever eat so much that I feel full, because the feeling of nausea terrifies me.

12. I can’t stand being a carnivals because of all the rides that make people feel sick. 

13. I won’t undergo medical treatments that have a likelihood of having being sick as a side effect. 

14. I carry around antibacterial gel and if I have to use a public bathroom I often only touch the door handle with the sleeve of what I’m wearing so I don’t ‘catch’ any nasty bugs.

15. Waiting rooms in hospitals or GP surgeries are difficult for me as I’m terrified of someone coming in with a bug or me catching a bug from someone in the waiting room.

16. If I’m travelling somewhere, I’ll be the one to drive. But sometimes I have to close my eyes if I see a car pulled over…just in case I see something I don’t want to see.

17. I won’t ever ride in a coach for the same reason I won’t go on a ferry.

18. I have been known to move out the house if anyone has a stomach bug of any kind, and open lots of windows, use lots of bleach etc. You just can’t be too careful!

 

My family and close friends are perfectly used to my strange emetophobic habits. None of my friends (even when ill or drunk) have ever ….. in front of me for which I’m very appreciative. They’ve also totally helped me out countless times in helping me avoid or cope with unexpected ‘incidents’ – they are so very understanding!

So there you have it. More insight into the crazy world of BK’s bizarre brain.

Please be careful in your commenting.

Crazy Pete’s got wisdom

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“Things will happen in life that you can’t stop, but that’s no reason to shut out the world. There’s a purpose for the good, and for the bad.”

Crazy Pete in Now and Then

It’s a quote imprinted in my memory along with many others from the same film. Now and Then was the ‘coming of age’ film among girls my age. We watched it at many sleepovers, all of us have copies on DVD and those of us who have younger sisters made them watch it as soon as they turned 12.

But tonight, trying to come up with inspiration for tomorrow’s Sunday Scribbling, I put it on in the background. But I stopped typing when that scene came on because I don’t think I truly appreciated the wisdom of those words before now.

As the character of Samantha narrates:

“He gave me the only gift he could, the lesson it had taken him a lifetime to learn. And although I understood the importance of his words; it’s only now looking back that I understand their meaning.”

Crazy Pete is right. There is so much in life that I can’t stop. I can’t control. And hey, I’m not the only one who can’t control this weird existence. When bad things happen, it’s tough to see what purpose they could possibly have. 

In this economic climate, it’s difficult to see what is good. But is it, tough and horrible though it is for many people, perhaps got its purpose? Does it show us what is actually important? 

I’ll admit that I’ve gone through an awful lot of crap in my relatively short life so far. I list it all in my head and wonder if I imagined half of it, because if someone came to me with my story as their own, I’d be like ‘that can’t ALL happen to just one person‘. For sure, sometimes I think ‘why me? why did I have to get this raw deal?’. Oh how I’d love to say that I’m an amazing selfless contented person. I’d be lying though.

But it’s all relative. There are soooo many people who’ve gone through far worse and still are. There’s pain that I can’t even imagine or understand.

For a long time I tried to shut out the world.

It may work as a survival technique. But it ain’t living.

We can be so afraid of the bad things in life that we miss out on the good.

I don’t want to survive. I want to live. Let’s find that purpose…by living.

 

Love Lessons

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As many of you probably know, I came back to Edinburgh a couple of months ago after a 6 year exile in Aberdeen. I went back to work at a familiar place where my job is to support adults with learning disabilities. Those of you who know me now, will see this as normal, but those of you who have known me longer will know how shocking it was that I went into this job.

Returning to this particular workplace has been difficult for a variety of reasons, but over the last few shifts God has reminded me what we (the staff) are there for. And God has reminded me of the gift he gave me to help get me through that first summer working as a Support Assistant 3 years ago….love

“Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God has God living inside, and that person lives in God. And so we know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love. God is love. Those who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. This is how love is made perfect in us: that we can be without fear on the day God judges us, because in this world we are like him. Where God’s love is, there is no fear, because God’s perfect love drives out fear. It is punishment that makes a person fear, so love is not made perfect in the person who fears”

1 John 3: 15-18

I remember re-reading those verses which for some reason I have marked in my NCV Youth Bible as being given to me at a YF service at Gerrard Street Baptist in March 2004.

Certain phrases jump out me – ‘we know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love’ – ‘where God’s love is, there is no fear’ – ‘love drives our fear’ – ‘live in love’ – ‘God lives in them’.

These verses are so real to me because I know how true this is. There used to be a client who had epilepsy and quadraplegia. This client liked to throw up their medication, and I really can’t deal with vomit. I’m terrified of vomit and freak out if I feel sick, anyone near me feels sick, if someone gags or chokes I make a sprint in the opposite direction. One night, it was just me and a manager, Jamie on shift and we got a phone call – this client needed to come in for emergency respite care. I fell apart – I was terrified because I knew I would be on my own taking care of this client who would quite possibly throw up on me. I sat on the kitchen floor and cried. And I remember Jamie praying with me, and encouraging me – I could do this – with God’s help I could do this.

I was actually shaking as I came into their room. And all of a sudden, God spoke to me – “Laura Anne, I need you to love this person like I love them – they are precious to me, and so they should be precious to you”. All of a sudden my fear was taken away, and I saw this client the way God saw this client. I began to see how she had a relationship with God despite the fact she had no way of communicating any of this to me. I changed her, washed her, fed her, and gave her medication. I prayed over her, and told her how much God loved her. The peace in the room was astounding. And it all stemmed from love. Now, every time I’m in a similar situation with a client and I’m finding it difficult to care for them, I pray for God’s grace, and for God to help me to love them the way he does.

I try to do the same in the rest of my life too. Suddenly no one is an evangelism project – I just love them the way God does – it helps so much in the battle I think most Christians have with being judgemental yet living in worship to God not conforming to the sinful ways of the world we live in.

Love – it’s a powerful thing.