Tag Archives: pregnancy loss

Sophie the Girl Guide

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A few months ago, I was helping a friend out by doing a little babysitting and ended up staying longer than planned so she could continue to get some studying done. :) Due to a fussy teething baby, I ended up taking their daughter down to  Rainbows. As we walked and skipped down the road singing ‘Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum‘ and ‘What shall we do with a drunken sailor‘ (I should point out that my friend’s daughter was dressed as a pink pirate for the Rainbows Hallowe’en party, hence the choice of songs) we passed parents who nodded and smiled at me as we got nearer the hall.

It occurred to me that they might not realise I was not her mother, and then I realised that I look (and am) old enough to be her Mum.

It was one of those ‘Oh my word, I feel old’ and ‘Beam me up to Neverland, I don’t want to grow up!‘ moments.

Later, I reflected that if things had been different I might have been taking my own daughter to a hallowe’en party at Brownies. I reckon with my background in guiding that Sophie would have be one too! With some more mental arithmetic I realised that I’m old enough to be the mother of some of my Guides as well.

Today my daughter might have been 10 years old, and she would likely have been leaving Brownies to go up to Guides this term. I’m pretty sure with her DNA we would be starting to deal with a lot of hormones kicking in as we entered the ‘pre-teen’ years and I would be talking about puberty, sex and relationships with her. Not to mention bras. And having to buy new clothes to cope with the growth spurts. Slamming doors. Melodrama. Tears.

It’s funny to think that I’d be ahead of all my friends on the parenting front, as this year a lot of my friends have started families or are talking about starting families. And I would have been through it before them. Crazy.

I think this may be the first year on the ‘Birthday anniversary’ that I’m thinking ‘thank God I’m not a parent!‘ as I’d be entering into probably the toughest phase of parenthood – the 10-16 years!

And I expect that tonight there would have a sleepover. Or to give it a more apt name: an ‘awakeover’.

I have no idea if you have awakeovers in heaven, perhaps you don’t even need sleep in heaven, so it’s one giant awakeover? I don’t know, and really I have no need to know (though I am curious).

The one thing I do know is that it’s very strange to think that I might have been watching my kid turn 10 today. 10.

Yes, that’s right. TEN.

Somebody pass the anti-wrinkle cream…

16th January always makes me smile, because I know that Sophie has left a legacy…

16th January 2008 – my first time running a sex education class on dealing with unplanned pregnancy to a group of fifth years (the year I was in when I got pregnant).

16th January 2009 – my first appointment with my post abortion client who I supported through a recovery programme.

16th January 2010 – the first day of my first time running a pregnancy crisis counselling course.

I have no idea what this day will bring, but I do know that this coming weekend we’ll be running the first pregnancy loss support training course in Edinburgh since Sarah & I became managers. Sarah’s head honcho for this course, but I’ll get to do a couple of the training sessions which I’m really looking forward to. The resources available to help people grieve after having a termination have improved so much over the last couple of years, and I’m really excited about that.

The Women’s Conference

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Sorry for the interruption in the middle of the blog party! I thought I had already told about the date of the conference I was asked to speak at etc, but apparently I didn’t (apologies).

This is a women’s conference on Prayer & Healing.

Date: Saturday 24th September

Time: 9.30 a.m.- 1 p.m. (lunch included)

Location: Liberton Northfield Parish Church, Gilmerton Road, Edinburgh

Speakers: Heather Holdsworth & Laura Anne Mackay

Cost: £5

I’ll be speaking on prayer and healing after pregnancy loss. Though I have spoken at medical conferences about the work we do and training people who are supporting people in crisis pregnancy or after pregnancy loss, I’ve never spoken at an event like this. I really don’t know what to expect, and very nervous as neither my national partner or my local partner will be there so I’m going to be all on my own for this one.

Gulp…

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Back in the days of Musings of a Koala (my old blog) I wrote about something that scared the crap out of me, and was shocked when the Director of the national charity I volunteer with, Joanna found the post and commened on it.

It was one of the encouraging words that lead to me sharing the journey I had into the work I do in more detail over a series of posts. I was totally overwhelmed by the response those posts got – not only from the number of folks in my church who eventually worked up the courage to ask me about it (most of whom I had no idea read my blog!), but also from a number of e-mails I got from people telling me about how those posts had helped them in some way. I really and truly didn’t expect it, but it gave me the courage to do what I’d been wishing to do for a long time and really be open about it and started this blog very aptly named ‘Learning from Sophie‘.

I actually didn’t explain the title of my blog until about a month after it went live.

One of the reasons I did inter:act is because I really wanted to be able to be better at public speaking, because I felt that maybe I needed to be to help mobilise the church to dealing with pregnancy crisis & pregnancy loss in a much more Jesus-like way.

It’s funny how common pregnancy crisis & pregnancy loss is in our country – it’s a common struggle. Yet I’ve gone to Christian conferences that have had seminars on supporting people who have been sexually abused, struggled with depression generally or with their sexual identity or with sex & relationships in general. And yet time after time people say “I wish I’d known how to help my friend” “I wish people had spoken with me about this before I got pregnant” and even “My minister advised me to have an abortion so nobody would find out I got pregnant out of wedlock“.

So last week I simultaneously wanted to both cheer and throw up when 2 women organising a Christian women’s conference in Edinburgh had said they felt they needed to have a session on the topic of prayer, pregnancy crisis & healing from pregnancy loss.

And that they would like me to give a talk on the subject.

Oh help.

I’m nervous for several reasons. Firstly, I really don’t want to mess this up. Secondly, I’m not a natural public speaker by any stretch of the imagination. Thirdly, I have no idea what to expect. Fourthly, I’m concerned they referred to me as an ‘expert’ on the subject. As my twitter bio says ‘I’m just a wee lassie fae Leith!‘ (and it’s true).

I do take courage though that the last time I was asked to speak at a Christian event (specifically to share the story of Sophie and the story of how I ended up in my current job) it went much much better than I ever could have anticipated, and heard months later how it had become a catalyst for number of exciting things that happened within that youth group. I blogged about it here and I said then that it had made me realise that sharing my story can help and make a difference in some way.

So I really hope that it will again.

Of course, I would appreciate prayer as I prepare to do this. One thing I really wish to do is to head up to beach to remember and honour my unborn child before the conference (which is in September) – I had hoped to do this in June but circumstances meant I was unable to do this. Plus if you have experience in speaking at these kind of events – please share your wisdom with me (I need it!!).

Trusting God

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It’s no surprise that after an intense and encouraging weekend with my lovely City Church family, that the week started in a weird way.

Somehow in my mind I had managed to organise my week forgetting key elements that make this week different to my routine weeks.

But add to that the news that my friends’ baby had been rushed to the local children’s hospital and was in an isolation room? Forget it. I found it so tough to concentrate on tasks today. My mind and heart were pure and simple with my friends.

I find it difficult to trust God with the people I care about. I don’t like being helpless, I don’t like it when I can’t fix things and go in their place when they face challenges.

But trust is what I have to do. Have faith that God does listen to our prayers. Trust that God will bring justice. Trust that God will bring people through and out of their pain.

This weekend has also brought out a lot of ‘Sophie-related’ stuff back to the forefront of my mind. One of the speakers spoke about her experience of stillbirth, and how grief didn’t come until she had named their little girl (I can relate!). In brings me great comfort to know that she too thinks of her children in heaven. There was the abortion conference where my old consultant who freaked when she found out about my beliefs and basically refused to treat me was one of the main speakers. The only one out of all these Gynaecology specialists to speak about the emotional side of termination (excuse me while I lift my jaw from the floor…). Not to mention reading a book in my search for a better understanding of pregnancy loss. The book, written by a Psychotherapist from the USA is the first book on pregnancy loss that has resonated so strongly with my own experience of both STOP (that’s medic speak for ‘Suction Termination of Pregnancy’) and being told of my possible infertility.

I’ve actually been pulling away from counselling for the moment, purely because I recognise that my head is pretty out of synch just now. Partly Inter:act, partly the unsettledness of not having a safe place to call home, partly delving into an area of pregnancy loss that brings a lot of emotions in me, partly due to the ‘winter factor’.

And the fact that I am very aware that next year it will be 10 years. Combine with the very weird fact that on 16th January 2011 (what should have been Sophie’s 9th birthday), I’ll be almost exactly the same age my Mum was when she gave birth to me.

But I know God. And since I started working in the pregnancy crisis centres, he has brought such special moments on the 16th January every single year so far. I hold faith that something special will happen next year too, because if I know anything, it is that my God is a gracious God. :)

A new kind of loss

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Our centre does all kinds of work. Although our main focus is pregnancy counselling for those unsure of whether or not to continue their pregnancy, over the years many of the centres have discovered the need for other relevant services.

Befriending. Maternity Clothes. Prams. Car seats. Baby clothes. Education. Post abortion recovery.

Miscarriage recovery.

For many years this was not a huge part of our work, as there was a support group for people who had experienced miscarriage in our area. And we knew that the Early Pregnancy Units at hospitals down the country provide support as well.

However at the beginning of this year we suddenly noticed more clients were coming to us to seek support after miscarriage…and we didn’t have enough people to support them. We started looking into other places we could refer them to. The hospital only took certain patients on for counselling – and there was a 3-6 month waiting list. There were no support groups. In fact, it had been an NHS service that referred their patient to us because of her desperation when she heard about the waiting list.

And so we realised…ok…we’re being called into something here.

Miscarriage is something that scares me. In fact, it’s the only part of this job that scares me.

I never struggled with the training in pregnancy crisis counselling, and I was fine with post abortion support. But as I started doing some add-on training in miscarriage support, I realised it’s the one part of my job I struggle to grasp, because I have never been through it myself. I’ve been a teenager, I’ve had sex, I’ve been pregnant, I’ve had an abortion, I’ve been told I may never be able to birth children of my own. I’ve never experienced miscarriage – not even in the sense of walking with a friend or relative through such a loss. So as we do role plays, and I try and step into the client’s shoes, I find myself totally lost.

I think I’m also scared about what they would feel about me if they knew that I’d had an abortion.

About 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

So it is definitely something I need to learn more about.

And not just the clinical side of it all, but the emotional factors involved. It has been such a great help to read people’s stories and experiences of miscarriage and stillbirth because it is helping me to gain more empathy and understanding.

This is new and unchartered territory for me, and I want to tread very carefully.

As always, I appreciate prayers, testimonies, recommended resources you think might be helpful as me & some of our team navigate our new roles. And for members of our team who have already been doing it for years and are training us up! :)

More lessons in leadership

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This leadership thing is tough.

For those of you who hopped over to Shelley’s blog last week to read my guest post (thank you to all of you who left me a comment, I really appreciate every single comment I get on any post I write) you might realise that I have a fair bit of insecurity regarding my current status in this area!

It has not been an easy ride.

I’m battling the whispers and memories of negative words spoken over me. Why is that you always remember the bad stuff? My friend Tam talked about this recently, and I can only echo my agreement with all she said in her post that day. The power of word is huge.

These battle scars are not ones that can be seen. And it is so easy for old wounds to be reopened.

Something that deeply concerns me is the lack of support and the unwillingness of organisations to open their doors to pregnancy crisis support, sex and relationships education and post abortion & miscarriage recovery. People seem to be scared of what I do. It seems to make them uncomfortable.

There is a huge generational gap in our organisation, and as cancer seems to attack (quite literally in some cases) I worry that with death or retirement our work is going to die too. And it is still so needed.

Something I’m trying to encourage the folks in leadership of centres across the country is making sure they have pastoral support, a team of encouragers and prayer warriors and to be training up the next generation.

I’m making that my own goal for this year.

Lead by example.

I want people to learn how to do my job – because if this year has taught me anything, it’s that even though I’m ‘only’ 26, I don’t know how long I have here. I need to be replacable! If I’m Moses, I need a Joshua, and if I’m Paul, I need a Timothy… :)

The one thing I have very little control over is financial support, pastoral support, encouragers and prayer warriors. About 99% of this form of support I receive through cyberspace. Lovely, but not ideal. I’m so thankful it has been there though. I don’t think I’d have got this far otherwise.

The nervousness of ‘shocking’ people. As I spoke to the group in front of me in the Highlands on Monday night, a few eyebrows were raised, some expressions stony…but eventually there were smiles (phew!). But the stigma and fear of being part of this kind of ministry seems to remain.

In the meantime, we end up having to turn away people needing our help because of the lack of resources.

I’m not sure if that makes me sad, angry or just decreases my faith….or maybe a combo of all of the above!

Grief & Loss

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Over the last wee while I’ve been looking into resources to compliment the existing training and reading materials we have to help prepare ourselves to support people coming into our centre dealing with pregnancy crisis and pregnancy loss.

Unfortunately for my bank account, and fortunately for Rob Bell and others the stall I was working on at the Momentum Conference was directly opposite the ‘bookshop’.

More precisely a stand full of NOOMA DVDs that were £1 off…I decided I would get one that folks in our smallgroup didn’t already have, but also wanted to see if I could get one that might be helpful in the work I do too.

And I spotted ‘Matthew‘…which I glazed over at first because I thought it would be something to do with something else. It turned out it was about dealing with grief and loss.

I bought it hopeful, and wasn’t disappointed. In 10 minutes Rob mentions several topics that are touched on in our pregnancy loss support programmes – grief, loss, pain, anger, bitterness, blaming yourself…

A few of us in the centre have watched now, and think it’s good – though we decided on Friday that we prefer the booklet to the actual video bit.

During our training we have to challenge our thinking and bring out experiences we’ve had to help us empathise and better understand the emotions our clients may be going through.

So thank you Nooma.

Matthew has been added to our shelf of resources.

Abortion in the church

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I gathered with people working in pregnancy crisis centres from all over Scotland in Stirling today.

We had an amazing couple who run one of the first UK PCCs come to speak and give seminars.

This statistic though shocked even me.

The abortion rate within the church is almost exactly the same as it is outwith the church.

I wonder how many pastors realise that.

I wonder how many people are in need of healing relating to pregnancy loss.

If you are someone who works as a pastor or leads up a pastoral ministry, can I recommend a book to you? It’s not heavy, but I think it would encourage and inspire you.

SPSTANDARD.9781850786634

You can buy it on Amazon, but I can probably get you a copy for £5 (if you live in the UK).

What I learned from speaking

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Yesterday seems so long ago. So so long ago.

After spending the whole night thinking I don’t know how to do this; what if it all goes horribly wrong? And please don’t let me sleep in.When I peeled myself out of bed to get in the shower, I was a wreck. I was shaking as I tried to eat breakfast and just couldn’t help but think I can’t do this. I felt hideous. My entire self – body, mind, spirit – longed for sleep and rest. But I’d made a commitment, I’d said in November that I would speak at this conference and that meant I had to go to Dundee.

So after driving across town to the centre to get a flipchart thing (nasty contraption about the same size as me…I had great fun trying to get that down the stairs and into my little Vauxhall Corsa and it collapsed on top of me when I was trying to take  it down after the training conference. Ouch.)

I began to calm down a little bit as soon as I hit the dual carriageway. Somehow when I’m driving at 70 mph with my iPod on, or the Radio in the background I just settle. Cassie the Corsa has been my best thinking and praying zone ever since I collected her from the garage in Fife and drove her to Aberdeen. And despite all my struggles recently to pray, to speak and hear from God, I was able to pray in the car.

Ok, God, what do you want to say to these health care professionals? What do you want me to do today? Will you please lead me God, because I really don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m terrified.

I was both humbled, awed and encouraged by the talks given in the morning by 2 retired doctors now doing medical education work across the world, and a nurse who is both a Professor and working with the World Health Organisation. At the same time I was panicking thinking…I’ve got to follow this. 

But then Elizabeth & Pat arrived. And the first thing they did was greet me with a hug. We had lunch, and chatted with a few of the doctors who had come along about what we do. I felt a lot better.

I couldn’t even tell you what I said as an introduction. I just know as I showed a DVD with Reannon’s Journey – a short film with women telling their experiences of pregnancy crisis, termination and pregnancy loss I was shaking and red-faced! As I was explaining one of our counselling/decision making tools all I could think was, man, am I even making sense? I felt so ridiculous. 

But by far, the best part of the day for me was after doing a role play where we showed how we did things in the centre (Pat & Elizabeth are AMAZING counsellors and AMAZING at role play – I’m not much good at either, and tend to burst into giggles in role play scenarios). We had Q&A session. It totally wasn’t planned, but that was fine.

I think we helped a number of GPs in that room. And I think we got people thinking.

I hope people learned something too.

I know I learned how I can do things when I’ve got the support and encouragement of others. I know that God often wants me to step out and speak in public (and I chicken out of it often) but he totally blesses it when I do. Or at least that’s what people tell me. Maybe they’re all lying…?!

That’s nothing to do with me really. It’s everything to do with obedience though.

I’ve been told by someone who spoke to someone who was there that you could tell we were passionate about what we do. 

Yes, we are. 

I don’t say that to blow our own trumpets, but this work isn’t easy. We’re walking in the no man’s land between the ‘pro life activists’ and the ‘pro abortion activists’ because we’re trying to love and care for these broken women, partners and families who can get lost in this debate. It’s not about us and what we think is right or wrong (and it’s tough not to be judgmental – or at least I find it tough sometimes). It’s all about compassion. The hours aren’t always sociable, and the employment conditions aren’t great.  

We got into this because we’re passionate about it, and it’s important. A lot of us just have opinions which are easy to have in the hypothetical, but not so easy to follow through if we end up in a real situation where we have a moral choice to make. We live in a world where sex is a commodity. We live in fragmented families and communities. We live in a country with some of the highest teenage pregnancy and abortion rates seen in our continent. 

I’ve heard so many people say ‘well that’s not really a problem in church’ or ‘that’s not an issue in this school’. Well, that’s not what I’ve heard – because I hear of the people who have experienced these things and it’s all a secret because this subject is taboo.

So where I like to hide behind my computer because it’s all sooo much easier to share things on here than speak in front of tens or hundreds of people, God’s reminding me that he’s given me a ministry, a story and he wants to use both to reach out to people. I’m really just a tool in all of this. And I need to let him do that, instead of hiding behind my computer. 

And I think I’ll probably regret admitting that later, because I don’t want to admit that. I’m happy enough in my comfort zone, thank you very much. :)