At the beginning of this year, I said that my ‘word’ for 2013 would be more of a phrase. Courage over fear. We’re now almost at the end of 2013. This year has been such a blur, and as we head into Christmas week I cannot believe it has been 2 years since we got the call that my friend had been found dead on Christmas Eve.
Perhaps it was the Olympics, perhaps it was realising that whether I like it or not, as a Girlguiding leader I am a role model for the girls I work with – for good or for ill! I just remember looking out the bucket list, and looking at my wall. As I gazed at the wise words from two of my favourite authors, I realised that I need to start applying the wisdom rather than just acknowledging it.
I have not failed this year.
There are things I hoped to do that I didn’t get done – my ALQ is yet to be completed and I never got my Open College Network coursework all handed in.
But I did start coming up with ideas for a children’s story based on my two reindeer who never went back into the box with all the Christmas decorations and sat on my chest of drawers all year instead. I applied for a dream job with British Gymnastics. I didn’t get it, but I went for it without regrets. I worked up the courage to do a spacehop for charity and was overwhelmed with the support I got. I got people collecting Active Kids vouchers for our Guide unit and friends were kind enough to post me vouchers from as far away as Northern Ireland to help us. I investigated universities and finally took the plunge of submitting an application, even allowing a few friends to know I was applying despite my fears of rejection. I gave a guy my number when he asked me out after we got chatting on the bus one day. I did ring my friend Kathy in a panic almost straight away after, because I have pretty tight boundaries now when it comes to guys given my history until I know that they know they are in the ‘friend zone’. I handed in a pieces of work I knew I hadn’t had time to do my best on instead of simply quitting my degree. I applied to go to a winter school in Germany. I went on long road trips with people I don’t know very well yet. I went rock climbing – twice.
Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of things that I considered doing and didn’t because of being unsure or not having the time or money to do it. But as I look back, I realise that I have come farther this year than I have since being in Australia 6 years ago.
There are a lot of things I’m afraid of still. But I remember that courage is not the absence of fear, it’s the bravery in facing fears.
Next year I hope to do my best in Germany and not be too afraid of me getting ill or others getting ill. I hope to use my time out of uni wisely. I hope to get my ALQ finished. I hope to get a new kitchen in my flat and to start saving for a car. I hope to meet up with Rebecca and Holly in York. I hope to catch up with friends like Nicola and Sinead that I didn’t get to see in person this year. I would like to go visit my friend while she is studying in Paris. I would love to do some more rock climbing. I would love to do a dance class. I would love to try and learn some more sign language. I would like to help grow Girlguiding. And I’d like to see more films (I am gutted that Kill Your Darlings is not showing in any of the Edinburgh cinemas now).
I lost two grandparents this year and two close family friends – all to cancer.
That, and remembering that the boy I spent my first formative years with who I said I would marry when we grew up has already been gone from this earth for two years…reminds me that I need to keep pushing to do all I can to make the world a better place. To enjoy life as much as I can. I don’t know when my time will be up, nor when any of my loved ones could be taken.
So here’s to 2014 when it comes, and making the rest of our lives, the best of our lives!